I turned in my final final two days ago and am officially on summer break! Returning to school after half a lifetime has been a fantastic opportunity. I’ve learned so much about nutrition, made new contacts and some wonderful friends, and also had the chance to study a few subjects outside my major. It’s fascinating how the fields of nutrition, psychology, sociology, and ethics overlap, how relevant and applicable they are to many facets of life. It’s definitely fostered a much deeper appreciation and understanding of the challenges we all face and broadened my own perspectives. I had to write an essay for my philosophy class, something all first year students must complete, where we describe an ethical dilemma we’ve faced or are currently facing. My teacher told me I should share mine publicly. So I am.
What do you do when there’s nothing left to do? When you’ve exhausted all options, done all that’s possible, and yet desperately ache to do something?
I wish I knew.
When Life Hands You Lemons
When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade. We’ve all heard the phrase. But how many times do we put it into practice? Do we throw our hands in the air when things go sour, or do we use those hands to take action? Lord knows I fall short of the mark; I’ll be the first to complain when I feel like c-r-a-p. But occasionally I manage to make use of what the Big Guy has given me. And these times, above all else, are the true triumphs of my life.
I am someone who has been dealt both a fabulous as well as difficult hand, not unlike most people. Although blessed beyond measure with an amazing family and friends, fed, clothed and most days happy, I struggle with a disease that often has no rhyme or reason. When I was diagnosed with Meniere’s 6 years ago and put on a salt free diet, I thought okay. I will deal. But that acceptance quickly dissolved into anger, frustration and resentment. I felt as though I’d been cursed. Thankfully, instead of giving up and accepting LIFE WOULD SUCK, I sucked it up and spit it out. I already had the skills to solve the problem, I just had to DO IT. And thus this blog and its twin (The Daily Dish) were born.
When my dog Max died a month ago, it was like I’d aged 10 years overnight. My world seemed fractured. I knew before he passed how much his loss would eventually affect me, when it came, but until it actually happened I’d never have expected its depth. In the past weeks I’ve tried to figure out where to go from here. It can never be the same, but should we get another dog? We tried. I’ll spare you the gory details, suffice it to say, we adopted an adult dog who was with us a mere night before return, leaving me to accept we’ll have to get a puppy if we get another dog at all. My kids & their safety, no matter what, come first.
Do you ever feel like you’re trying to squeeze a cantaloupe into a coffee mug? No matter how hard you try to make it fit, it ends up exploding in your face, sending seeds and soggy pulp everywhere. So you clean it up. And try again. and again. Regardless of how impossible the task is, you don’t give up. Friends, I’m here to tell you to PUT THE F*CKING FRUIT DOWN ALREADY. Sometimes it isn’t meant to be. And other times, you can’t see the answer staring you in the face b/c you’re too covered in melon guts.
The past few weeks have been like that. Trying to shove a big ole melon into a tiny glass. I spent hours glued to Petfinder. Checking Craigslist. Cruising websites looking for the PERFECT DOG. But you know what? He’s dead. Gone. I know, I know. Cut myself some slack already, but it’s true. I was so intent on finding the way out of my grief, I failed to see what I was doing wasn’t helping. It just made me miss Max more.
Two nights ago, I found the answer. I guess I shouldn’t fault myself for checking Craigslist obsessively, b/c that’s where I found it. I saw a post about a puppy and automatically clicked it. But it wasn’t about re-homing said puppy (and trust me, this whole ‘re-homing’ business & its accompanying fees is another blog post altogether) but rather about finding this puppy a SITTER. Hmmm. If you can hear the gears turning, then BOY ARE YOU RIGHT. This person has a young puppy and needs to find someone to watch said puppy during the week while they are away at work. Said puppy is cute, and small, and furry, and loving and Oh By the way, You get paid to watch the puppy. CHA-CHING!
As someone who is home full time, needs money and is in desperate need of dog, I wiped the melon pulp from my face and replied. And guess what? They wrote me back. And said I sound perfect. And you know what? I wrote them back and hopefully this (now clean and illuminated) soul sitting before you will be squeezing lemons and soon, making lemonade. With a puppy on her lap.
My dog Max died two weeks ago. Although his legs had begun to fail, he was otherwise in good health and spirits, and his passing was wholly unexpected. We’d taken a long walk the day before and he’d been so full of joy! Rushing ahead, leading the charge, till finally he was so spent he’d practically collapsed. He woke us early the next morning, about 3:30 am, crashing around downstairs. My husband rose to let him out, thinking he had to go to the bathroom. Max went out into the yard and laid down in the grass. He wouldn’t get up, even after John called him several times. His breathing was labored, his tongue hung to one side and his lips felt cold. Something was seriously wrong.
John came and got me, and together we went outside and rolled Max onto a blanket and carried his heavy (150 lb.) frame inside. We placed him gently on the rug, then fetched blankets and pillows for ourselves. We laid, side by side, as if on a camping trip. Petting him, speaking to him, sensing – somehow – that this was the end. Just shy of 4:30 his breathing became almost imperceptible, punctuated only by a few deep gasps. He didn’t seem to be in any pain. John woke the girls in time for them to say goodbye. And then Max was gone.
His swift departure has left a hole in the heart of my family. Max lived with us his entire life, from 7 weeks to almost 10 years. He grew up side by side with our daughters, and neither can remember life without him.
We miss him terribly. But even in death Max remains a steadfast presence in our lives. I see him when I walk the woods, I feel him beside me at the beach. Each morning as I rise, I meet him in the hallway where we parted, and every meal I fail to finish I take out to his yard. 2 weeks ago, Max died, and we buried him under the apple tree. And next year, when flowers bloom from his grave, I will think of him all the more.
A dear neighbor gave us a book of poems to help us through our loss. Many are consoling, some difficult to even read, but the one which has touched me the most was written by Rudyard Kipling and is entitled Four-Feet.
I have done mostly what most men do,
And pushed it out of my mind;
But I can’t forget, if I wanted to,
Four-Feet trotting behind.
Day after day, the whole day through —
Wherever my road inclined —
Four-feet said, “I am coming with you!”
And trotted along behind.
Now I must go by some other round, —
Which I shall never find —
Somewhere that does not carry the sound
Of Four-Feet trotting behind.