life with kids

Like a Fish Out of Water.

~ thedailydish ~ 14 Comments

Once upon a time, about 2 weeks ago, a family moved from Philadelphia to the coastal town of Portland.  Since the father’s new work would only pay for a U-Haul (*NOT MOVERS*), the family schlepped all their belongings the best they could in the back of a 26 Ft truck.

uhaul

The youngest daughter’s beloved goldfish were of course making the trip too,

sunnyblackie2

safely snuggled inside the *protective glass cocoon* of their aquarium.

The family’s trip began swimmingly, fueled by gasoline and a dozen Dunkin Donuts. But round about Marlborough Massachusetts, the mother – driving behind the U-Haul in the family car – began to notice water dripping from the back of the truck.  Frantically, she tried calling the father.  But the deafening road noise of the uncomfortable U-Haul thwarted her attempts for MILES.  By the time the father realized what had happened, the family was nearly to Maine.  And soon they were there, opening the back of the truck and confirming their worst fears.  The aquarium had indeed shattered and was completely devoid of water.  The little girl was devastated.

Until Goldfish #1 was found… ALIVE!!!!!!! After two hours without water, being jostled at the bottom of a glass-laden fish tank, Lil’ Blackie was still clinging to life!  The father whisked him TOUT DE SUITE upstairs to the (relative) safety of the only bowl available in the apartment BESIDES THE TOILET.  The dog’s food dish.  Although shaken just this side of the pearly gates and visibly worse for the wear, miracle fish BLACKIE was still gulping for breath and rallying as each moment passed.

BUT. what of the SECOND FISH>??  What about _SUNNY_?!

Do not lose heart, friends.  Despite the fact that Disney did NOT write this one, there still remains a happy ending.  Although the initial search for Sunny proved fruitless, and the family believed they would stumble upon her lifeless body beneath one of the soggy boxes, that’s NOT WHAT HAPPENED>.  No.  B/c as the mother attempted to lift the shattered remains of the aquarium out of the truck, Sunny POPPED out of the inner workings of a DECORATIVE PAGODA!!

pagoda

Everyone GASPED! And the father squealed like a girl as he giddily ran the fish upstairs.  Although Sunny appeared to have survived a blender cycle on Frappe, she was otherwise just fine. After being transferred to the red thermos cooler overnight, by the next afternoon, both fish were pronounced Stunned, but Swimming.  And by the following day, they’d been upgraded to STABLE and safely relocated to their new home.

tank

Not so unlike the rest of the family.

The End.

PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ thedailydish ~ 11 Comments

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnrLloO7nFQ&hl=en&fs=1]
Did you MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MEEEEEEE??!~!!!!!!

I_MISSSSSED_YOU!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HANUKKAH! HAPPY KWANZAA! And ALL THE BEST IN 2009!!!

Since I didn’t get round to sending out cards this year – or photos for that matter, here are my belated greetings. I actually considered buying discount cards the day after Christmas, but frankly what’s the point. Now that I’ve reconciled what used to be a bank account, I am WAY GLAD I got those 5 calendars for half price.

Sooooooo what have you all been up to these past 2 weeks…..????????

REALLY:: You don’t say// NOOOOO???!! WOW.

Me?? WEeeeelllll. We went to Hotlanta for the holidays. And it was HOT. WELL. Not really, but it was warm. On Christmas afternoon we went walking, the sky was gorgeous blue and we didn’t have to wear coats, let alone mittens, hats and scarves. Though my sister gave me a sweet hat for Christmas – which I LOVE.  Kiwi REALLY likes it too.

hat

We had a grand ole time w/ my family. We played Trivial Pursuit and discovered that the official language of Latvia is LATVIAN. No fooling. Then we played Bingo. It was fun, but we all agreed it would have been better if we were playing for money. We drank wine. LOTS OF WINE. Now that my 2008 Wine Challenge is officially over, I am having difficulty giving it up. I blame it on the kids.  No.  Really.  Each time I go to stock up, the clerk eyeballs me suspiciously.  Like WHAT THE HELL”S THIS SEMI-ATTRACTIVE WOMAN DOING WITH TWELVE BOTTLES OF WINE??!  I always mention my children.  And the clerk, without fail, nods knowingly and asks to carry the box to my car.  SO. I am loath to stop drinking.  But what with the economy and our depleted savings, let’s face it.  I am going to have to cut my consumption altogether or switch to TRULY cheap hooch. My husband kindly left some adult juice boxes in my stocking.  Thanks babe.

winejuicebox

BUT don’t think you weren’t on my mind too.  I thought of some of you particularly whilst we made our hellishly long 28 hour car ride there and back. We passed exits for Raleigh (Hayden), Greenville (HellCat) and finally Columbia, SC (Connie). I considered swinging by for a spontaneous visit, but thought you all deserved a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We are not exactly at our Ellingsworth best after so many hours in the car. Especially after dealing with the endless stream of Left Lane Charlies.  And by Left Lane Charlies I of course mean those persons who man the left lane ONLY.  Neither speeding, nor passing.  Just passing the time.  talking on their cell phones.  Conversing w/ passengers.  DRIVING A U-HAUL AND TOWING A CAR.  Along the way we did find time to buy fireworks, mostly b/c I Insisted and was at the wheel.  We set some off last night and MAN OH MAN was it fun.  My favorite was Halley’s Comet, which made a loud BANG and shot fire balls skyward..and then streetward..toward our neighbor’s car..after the package fell over.  Fortunately, as our neighbor was still out of town, NO HARM DONE.

And so here we are home.  And it’s the new year.  WOW.  My husband casually mentioned last night that 2009 marks 20 years since he graduated high school.  I nearly snarfed my wine.  OH MY GOOOOODDNESSSSSSSS.  20 years.  HOLY CRAP WE ARE OLD.

And on that note.  Bottoms up.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!

The Bissell Pet Hair Eraser

~ thedailydish ~ 19 Comments

Every single upright vacuum I’ve ever owned has SUCKED, and not in the way it should. No matter how many belts I’ve changed, how many clogs I’ve unplugged, how much FREAKING HAIR I’VE UNWOUND, each and every one of them has failed.

You buy a vacuum. It looks good. It works well for a (short) period of time. And then SOMETHING HAPPENS. I do not know what precisely this IT is. But afterward, it will vacuum no more. Sure, the machine will push the dirt around, pretending to vacuum, but we both know it’s not picking anything up. Eventually the burning smell grows too strong to stand and the no-suck sucker gets shoved to the curb.

My parents, and now my own family, have experienced the heartache of crappy vacuums too many times to recall. My folks have sent countless vacuums to the repair shop, to no avail. Two years ago, out of desperation, my husband & I decided to use a shop vac exclusively. On the plus side: it works.  Unfortunately, it’s also freight-train heavy, cumbersome in size and indiscriminate in suction.  The shop vac’s superpower doesn’t wane, but frankly MINE DOES. Which makes cleaning more than once every 2 weeks an impossibility unless I want to be crippled.

But we have a LOT of pets. And we have kids. All of which are dirty. Our dog Max, for instance, has some sort of “seasonal” allergy which lasts roughly 348 days of the year.  This “problem” (for lack of a better word) leaves him an itchy, flaky, balding, stinking mess and our floors looking like a Head & Shoulders/Rogaine user’s most soul-shuddering nightmare. As you can imagine, Max is going through a particularly bad patch right now, leading to my thinking about this cleaning dilemma a lot.  If our vacuum weighed less than 75 pounds and was smaller than a kitchen table, I could use it more frequently.

So yesterday I went to BJs and I picked myself up a vacuum.

HOLY CRAP!!  I thought when I saw it.  THIS is IT.  I barely read the rest of the box; PET HAIR ERASER was enough for me. I looked at the price. Not cheap at $139.99 – but way cheaper than the $500 FREAKING DOLLAR DYSON right beside it. I wasn’t terribly optimistic, knowing how many times I’ve been had by other vacuums. But anything was better than hauling that shop vac up & down the stairs one more time.

My husband put it together last night, and had it working in minutes. I vacuumed one room and watched with pleasure as the canister filled with gray filth. I pushed that beautiful vacuum up and down our floors, gazing as it gobbled detritus like dessert, hairballs spiraling like a cyclone. OH! Pet Hair Eraser, where have you been all my life??

As I vacuumed, my heart filled with joy.  B/c my floors were clean. I could walk across them w/out leaving footprints.  The soles of my shoes were not plastered with hair.  I was FREE.

I vacuumed the whole first floor last night.  NO back-breaking labor.  No hunching over – dragging the damn shop vac throughout the house.  Today I brought my new Pet Hair Eraser upstairs and vacuumed the 2nd and 3rd floors.. WITHOUT BEING ASKED!!!!!  My husband – God Bless him – I know he did not marry me for my cleaning skills.  But he is gonna be LOVING ME MORE THAN EVER!  NOW That our home has been liberated from dander.

THANK YOU Bissell Pet Hair Eraser with Dual Cyclonic Action and extra long cord!!

Thank you for making me so very HAPPY!

Ladies & Gentlemen, may I introduce the greatest pet-hair-sucking-up machine ever: The Bissell Pet Hair Eraser.  Long May It Live. (PS: Click that link. The TV commercial for this thing is seriously funny.)