Like a Fish Out of Water.

April 6, 2009 ~ thedailydish ~ 14 Comments

Once upon a time, about 2 weeks ago, a family moved from Philadelphia to the coastal town of Portland. Since the father’s new work would only pay for a U-Haul (*NOT MOVERS*), the family schlepped all their belongings the best they could in the back of a 26 Ft truck.

The youngest daughter’s beloved goldfish were of course making the trip too,

safely snuggled inside the *protective glass cocoon* of their aquarium.

The family’s trip began swimmingly, fueled by gasoline and a dozen Dunkin Donuts. But round about Marlborough Massachusetts, the mother – driving behind the U-Haul in the family car – began to notice water dripping from the back of the truck. Frantically, she tried calling the father. But the deafening road noise of the uncomfortable U-Haul thwarted her attempts for MILES. By the time the father realized what had happened, the family was nearly to Maine. And soon they were there, opening the back of the truck and confirming their worst fears. The aquarium had indeed shattered and was completely devoid of water. The little girl was devastated.

Until Goldfish #1 was found… ALIVE!!!!!!! After two hours without water, being jostled at the bottom of a glass-laden fish tank, Lil’ Blackie was still clinging to life! The father whisked him TOUT DE SUITE upstairs to the (relative) safety of the only bowl available in the apartment BESIDES THE TOILET. The dog’s food dish. Although shaken just this side of the pearly gates and visibly worse for the wear, miracle fish BLACKIE was still gulping for breath and rallying as each moment passed.

BUT. what of the SECOND FISH>?? What about _SUNNY_?!

Do not lose heart, friends. Despite the fact that Disney did NOT write this one, there still remains a happy ending. Although the initial search for Sunny proved fruitless, and the family believed they would stumble upon her lifeless body beneath one of the soggy boxes, that’s NOT WHAT HAPPENED>. No. B/c as the mother attempted to lift the shattered remains of the aquarium out of the truck, Sunny POPPED out of the inner workings of a DECORATIVE PAGODA!!

Everyone GASPED! And the father squealed like a girl as he giddily ran the fish upstairs. Although Sunny appeared to have survived a blender cycle on Frappe, she was otherwise just fine. After being transferred to the red thermos cooler overnight, by the next afternoon, both fish were pronounced Stunned, but Swimming. And by the following day, they’d been upgraded to STABLE and safely relocated to their new home.

Not so unlike the rest of the family.

The End.

I love this place. Why are there so many chiropractors?

March 31, 2009 ~ thedailydish ~ 15 Comments

YES!!!!!! FINALLY! After my prolonged & totally unacceptable ABSENCE, I am BACK!!!

AND It’s official!! My family & I are now MAINERS**.

**NOTE: We really are transplanted Philadelphians now living in the guise of MAINERS, but I’m giving it to us anyway.

SO HOW’S THINGSS??! I KNOW. It HAS BEEN A LONG TIME< HASN’T IT?? OOoh, I am sorry to hear that. How awful. My next-door neighbor’s dad got laid off too, but then they called him up a week later and offered him another job. Yeah what a crap fest. Good thing he decided not to jump. Huh? ME?? Ohh. well you know how it’s been total craziness the past few months. The whole “packing up the house and moving to a 2 bedroom apartment in a completely new city” thing.

I guess it’s to be expected, but this move is taking a little getting used to. You can take the girl outta Philly, but you can’t take the Philly outta the girl. Right? RIGHT. SO. The first night we arrived. We’re outside unloading the U-Haul. It’s really dark out – we didn’t get here until after 7 – so we’re unloading, and a car sloooowwwwly drives by. Then another. And of course we’re all thinking DAMN! They’re totally casing the joint – just waiting for us to be inside so they can help themselves to our stuff. But then, another car drives by… slowly.. slowing.. to a virtual stop. The driver looks at us.. we look at her.. and.. and.. then she smiles and WAVES! Because people here aren’t thieves. They’re just NICE.

SO>As you can imagine. There’s a whole mental adjustment taking place. No one is trying to cart off our belongings. No one is skulking in the bushes waiting to stick me up or show me his “thing.” This Portland. It’s a whole new world! And, lest I forget to mention, after just one week here in Portland — (hold your breath) — we get OUR MAIL!!!! Can you believe it?! I KNOWOOOO. We’ve only been here a week. ONE HONKIN WEEK. And we’re RENTERS! No matter. Our friendly mail carrier does her job like a PRO. We actually had mail WAITING for us when we arrived.

HAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHH!!!

Back in Philly – where we’ve owned a home for ALMOST EIGHT YEARS, we STILL DON’T GET OUR MAIL

PS: Thanks for that awesome card, Curly babe! Love ya! xoxo

BUT BESIDES THE MAIL, there are some other things I’ve noticed about Portland.

Number One: Portland is clean.

As long as you don’t mind cigarette butts and dog shit. B/c BOY ARE THEY EVERYWHERE. But other than that. This city is pretty clean, at least in comparison to Philly. Seriously, the day before we moved, I had to go to Target to pick up a few things. As I waded through ankle-deep trash in the parking lot, I noted the number of empty garbage cans just begging to be used. Here in Portland, I can’t find a trash can. Not even outside people’s homes. I am convinced everyone here stuffs garbage inside their clothes to keep warm. And this theory isn’t just crackpot. NO, it’s backed up by HARD EVIDENCE. You see, here in Portland you have to pay for special blue *CITY OF PORTLAND* trash bags to put your weekly garbage in for collection. I KID YOU NOT. AND. Not only are these designer bags expensive, but they are EXPENSIVE. $7.50 for FIVE. F-I-V-E. YET, you don’t see dingbats dumping their garbage in random lots – or dropping chicken buckets out car windows while waiting for the lights to change. Nuh-uh. Garbage in Portland “appears” to be a dirty little secret no one wants to air. People hide it away until trash day when they are FORCED to put it out on the street – B/C THEY HAVE TO. THANK GOODNESS for those pretty blue bags.

Number Two: Portland is home to a population of roughly 65,000 – 3,893 of whom are Chiropractors.

On every corner in Philly, there’s either a pizza/take-out beer place or some sort of mini-mart bodega. Here in Portland there is a chiropractor’s office. Sometimes two. On one stretch of Congress Street, I’ve actually counted 3 chiropractors in a row. With another just a block or two away. All this adjustment raises several questions. First. If you are working as a chiropractor in Portland, how can you possibly be making enough to buy trash bags? And Two. What the hell is happening up here that warrants so much manipulation? I’m hazarding a guess with snow shoveling> but . BUT? ANYONE?? Can someone help me out here. Please>?? I am stumped.