Philly

The way you drive speaks VOLUMES.

~ thedailydish ~ 10 Comments

As much as I wish it were otherwise, I spend a good portion of each day driving. My older daughter to or from school. Running errands. Going to the post office, the library, the grocery store. What have you. And living in the middle of a big city, all this driving inevitably causes a whole lotta STRESS. Some nincompoop cuts me off without any semblance of turn signal. Another jackass sidesteps the WHOLE LANE OF TRAFFIC to speed past us in the BIKE LANE. Another guy just can’t wait for the light – or by the way, the elderly man CROSSING THE STREET. Frankly, some of these folks should not only have their licenses revoked, they should be pulled bodily from their cars and beaten senseless.

I curse frequently while driving. I hate doing this, since I pretty much always have one or more children in the car with me. We have actually had discussions about “mommy’s language” – how un-lady-like it is, and how it should not be repeated in public. I am glad my kids are bright, b/c other than peppering their day-to-day speech with an above average use of the word “Crap” they have heretofore suffered no other ill effects of my potty mouth.

I am a cautious driver. This stems from several things. 1) I value my children’s safety above all else and will not jeopardize it to get to [WHEREVER] ten minutes earlier. 2) I value YOUR CHILDREN’S SAFETY as much as I do my own. 3) I like people and do not want to hurt them.

B/c of this, I stop at stop signs. And when I say I stop, I mean I am probably the only damn driver in West Philly who comes to a physical halt-machen at the intersection. I stop. I look both ways. I make sure there are no bicyclists approaching. If there are, I wave them through. I do not give a shit if some psychopath behind me cannot wait 20 seconds for me to do this w/out their face turning purple. F*CK THEM. They will be the one going to jail for manslaughter, not me.

Driving here in Philly is bad b/c 1) there are inexplicable intersection nightmares, such as 30th & Market. WHERE ARE THE TRAFFIC ENGINEERS?? Green lights get traffic moving, especially onto the highway. MAKE THEM LONGER & MAKE THEM CONSISTENTLY GREEN ALL THE WAY ALONG. As it is now, the gridlock has traffic tangled in both directions from JFK all the way to the Walnut Street Bridge. If I had to deal w/ this every single rush hour I would GO INSANE.

2) Obeying the law is optional. And I am not exaggerating. The “roll-through” has been elevated to an art-form here in Philly. People speed. They swerve. They cut. They do not wait their turn. They do not like letting people in – unless you are attractive. And as everyone knows we’re all just a bunch of fat ugly slobs, you can imagine what this leads to. The cops do not enforce 99.9% of the traffic laws b/c they are too busy trying to keep us from killing each other.

3) Philadelphians are selfish like few others. Not all of us, mind you, but a whole whopping percentage of the population. Enough to make you think twice about trying to cross that street. When I was pregnant with my first child I used to walk home every day from work. 4 miles. from City Hall to West Philly. I was nearly hit more times than even I care to repeat. AND WHY? B/c most people suck. If they aren’t stopping for a full-term pregnant woman, you sure as hell know they AIN’T STOPPING FOR NO ONE.

4) Lastly, I would hazard a guess that upwards of 35% of Philadelphians drive illegally. And by this I mean w/out a license, registration, insurance – or all of the above. Sometimes in a stolen car. What do they care if they hit you or your car? It’s not their money. They are willing to take the chance b/c here in Philly at least, there’s no reason not to.

The way you drive speaks VOLUMES about you as a person. It accurately communicates your level of compassion and humanity better than almost anything. For instance, one of our neighbors is a very nice person, a deeply religious man, a hardworking husband and father, and yet, just last week, he nearly RAN MY HUSBAND OVER at the end of our block when John was riding his bike. WHY? B/c he didn’t recognize John and was interested in speeding up and cutting off that guy on a bike. People feel a sense of entitlement behind the wheel of their car which verges on sickness, and they behave in ways they’d NEVER otherwise would b/c of it. They feel protected in that cocoon. It’s like Jekyll & Hyde. For others, driving simply unleashes the INNER NATURE. Are you a control freak? Fast lane doing 55. Are you completely self-absorbed? Yakking into your cellphone, making a left turn from the right lane. The list goes on.

A car may be classy, but it’s only a car. The model you drive may communicate your taste or your circumstance, but it often has little to do w/ your true level of class. B/c THAT cannot be bought. Rich, poor, it all boils down to one thing. You can’t polish a piece of poop.

MORE things they’d arrest you for in the suburbs.

~ thedailydish ~ 6 Comments

On Friday I blogged about hookers. Specifically, how do my husband & I drive them from our block back into the darkened alleyways from whence they sprang? Hayden mentioned SIGNS, Curly suggested an AIRHORN. Both excellent ideas, but of course the airhorn has won my heart b/c it is WAY LOUD. Unfortunately as I was waaay too busy this glorious weekend to buy an airhorn, I am hoping Curly will be a love and send me hers. THANKS IN ADVANCE, BABE!! I promise to think of you each time I interrupt coitus w/ a blast from your horn.

All this talk of hookers has reminded me of another post I wrote a while back, describing other Quality of Life issues we’ve experienced living here in Philly. So I figured – Hey, IT’S MONDAY. It’s gray and cloudy & Blah. Why not spice up the crapfest that is The Start of the Workweek w/ MORE weird tales?? YAY!

11) Years ago my sister rented an apartment just off Rittenhouse Square, a wealthy part of Philly. Her only issue there was walking her dogs – at the time, 2 rescued greyhounds. Her one dog was fine when it came to letting fly; she’d go anywhere. Unfortunately her other dog had been severely abused at the track and was so skittish she couldn’t potty without privacy. A pretty tall order in the middle of the city. My sister ended up walking the dogs through a labyrinth of darkened alleyways three times a day. Not enticing. and even less so when she began discovering mounds of human feces along the way. So much for hoity-toity.

12) One night years ago, I went out to meet friends. At the end of the night, I walked back to my car and noticed the window of my jeep hanging open. DAMN! what’d they steal this time? Strangely, nothing. But someone had decided to sit inside consuming an entire six pack of beer. Leaving the empties. How nice.

13) I met a guy when I was 19. He was older, foreign, went to PENN. I wasn’t attracted to him in the least, but he was so dogged persistent I finally gave him my number just to shut him up. LEARN FROM MY STUPIDITY. For weeks this dude would call my parents’ house, leaving messages on the machine, and if I ever mistakenly answered the phone – that’s right, inevitably him. Initially I was polite. Quickly that disintegrated into downright hostility. I’d never met anyone so overbearing, arrogant and aggressive. Everything about him screamed I AM A RAPIST. Finally I’D HAD ENOUGH, and in no uncertain terms told this guy that I was never ever EVER in my life going to go out with him. I ended with LOSE MY NUMBER! & slammed down the phone. I kid you not, this clueless jackass called back 5 minutes later to ask when we were going to meet. Shortly thereafter I moved into my first apartment. Somehow dude got my new number and began calling. I started sleeping up the street at a friend’s. FINALLY finally, he stopped calling. Perhaps he’d been deported.

14) I was driving to school one day behind a big old beater. Suddenly the driver rolls down his window and tosses out – not just a cup, not just a napkin, but a WHOLE F*CKING CHICKEN DINNER. Jumbo bucket with assorted bits, biscuits, the whole damn thing. Bones flying everywhere. I was so shocked I nearly rear-ended him.

15) Years ago, my husband worked as a manager at a bookstore in 30th Street (the main train station here in Philly). One night after closing, he went to get a drink at the public water fountain. when he sensed someone standing right behind him. He spun round to find a homeless guy inches from his face. My husband took off. The man, enraged over something, began coming at him, swinging an enormous bag filled with (it turned out) heavy glass bottles. He flung the bag at my husband. Fortunately it missed him, but crashed to the ground, bottles shattering everywhere. My husband scrambled to find the box cutter he kept on him for work – finally pulling it out of his pocket and threatening the guy to back off. At the sight of the cutter, the man stopped and just walked away.

16) One night in college, I was out at a dive bar with friends. The place was packed. We were lucky enough to get a table and pretty soon a couple guys asked if they could join us. We spent the next few hours boozing with these new “friends,” one of whom was an extremely effeminate dog-groomer. I’ll never forget him. Not only was he a good laugh, but at some point during the night he STOLE MY WALLET.

17) When I lived with my parents, I had to drive to and from the city, 30 minutes, each way. And YES, it got old real fast. I used to see a panhandler at a particular intersection almost daily, who w/out fail would give me the same line. His wife – at that very moment – was giving birth to their child in the alley behind the car dealership, and if I could please spare 50 cents, it would surely mean the difference between life & death. He was so damn earnest about the whole thing, I gave him money. But after a dozen kids, it was just plain insulting.

18) Years ago, there was a guy who lived on Rittenhouse Square called Fast Eddie (same nickname as Philly’s former mayor (now PA governor) but a different guy altogether). THIS Eddie had a distinctly disturbing addiction to used underwear (aka, poopie pants), and would solicit purchase in the park from desirable candidates (aka, young boys). He was ultimately arrested and charged with a whole host of crimes involving minors and deviant sexual acts. A FORTUNATE THING for many inner-city boys. Unfortunately, a guy I once liked confessed he’d sold a pair of his boxers to Eddie for cash. We remained “just friends” .

Star Wars: The Exhibit

~ thedailydish ~ 2 Comments

We went to see the new Star Wars exhibit at the Franklin Institute this week. It was a treat from a friend, who (being the certified smartypants she is) bought a membership online and got SIX TICKETS FREE. WOW. Buy online membership. Save money. Get free tix to boot. Listen up, Philadelphia.

The exhibit was very interesting, not that I got to see much of it. Besides the fact that my two daughters were yanking me through at warp-speed, the place was MOBBED. And I am not exaggerating. It was like trying to get at the Hope Diamond for Sci-Fi fans. Imagine a universe populated solely with pubescent males wearing themed t-shirts. Then expand that by 13, and add in every single one of their parents and siblings. Plus stragglers.

The tickets were timed. When we got there we had to wait in a reeeaaally loooooong line to even get in, then BAM! all of a sudden we’re in, but so is everyone else. All of the stuff in cases, you know the Props, etc. – EVERYTHING YOU CAME TO SEE, you could barely even get to b/c everyone was taking turns standing next to [whatever it is] and snapping photos. Darth Vadar’s costume. The Yoda puppet. Chewbacca. And my personal fav – Han Solo’s costume. Couldn’t even get to see that up close. It looked smaller than I had imagined, Or maybe it was b/c I was STANDING ACROSS THE ROOM.

Meanwhile, my younger daughter started freaking out at the stuffed abominable snow creature. I had to look up the name just now – it is called a Wampa and looks like this:


Yes it is scary as hell looking.

Anyway, she started bugging out, like it was going to come to life and attack us. It actually made for a slightly welcome diversion, sort of parting the Sea so to speak, and we were finally able to make our way over to the exit. And by exit I of course mean GIFT SHOPPE. B/c in this day & age there is no other way to leave an exhibit. Normally I could care less, but the Star Wars gift shoppe is SO DAMN NARROW it’s barely wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair let alone hoarding masses of sci-fi fans. I felt sincerely bad for those perusing the wares, who seemed to be taking their lives in their hands by stopping to look at the magnets and mugs and numerous dog costumes. At least it seemed that way as we smashed past them like a battalion of stormtroopers.

In summary, the Star Wars exhibit was neat, at least what I could see of it, but I am so glad my friend got those tickets for free. It seems patently unfair to charge $20 bucks a head for an exhibit which should rightfully have 50% fewer visitors at a time and a 50% larger exit to ensure no one gets trampled. If you’re going to check it out, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR and go in the evening when it’s cheaper (like half price) and the crowds have thinned significantly. And if you go, let me know what you think. Just how tall is Harrison Ford anyway?