Why I pulled my cracker.

A couple days ago I had a passing fancy with regard to my oh-so-special animal cracker. I didn’t have anything better to do with my time – what with the electricians busily rewiring our house and the power going off willy-nilly. No cooking, no TV, no computer. nada. My mind was sort of drifting as I sat staring at the wall, and then suddenly I thought of my funny cracker. So I pulled it out to take a gander, and pretty soon I found myself going hog wild. No I WAS NOT EATING IT nor was I inspired to do anything unseemly. I was taking photos! All sorts of wacky photos of my cracker couple! And laughing at the hilarity of it all and enjoying myself heartily. So after that was all over, I thought hmmm.. perhaps I should try selling my cracker on eBay again? After all, we sure could use the money (not that I expected anyone to cough up $3600 for my cracker – but STILL….) So I thought, what the heck. I’ll try it again.

Unfortunately, eBay was not very helpful. at all. For some reason, every time I tried listing the cracker, it came back as violating their “Mature Audiences Prohibitions”. These are things like the sale of bodily fluids, XXX materials and so on. It got me thinking. I KNOW people must be selling crazy sex crap on eBay (NOT THAT I REALLY KNOW, I AM JUST GUESSING HERE), but how do these sorts of people market their soiled underpants, or their dildos, or whatnot? They must be selling their wares somehow, but HOW?? HOW???!! It wasn’t like I was trying to slip anything truly vulgar or upsetting past eBay. I am a mother. I am a decent, upstanding citizen. This cracker isn’t more than my kids see routinely on National Geographic. SO WHY WAS MY COOKIE SETTING OFF NASTY-GUARD ALARMS??? After many attempts, I came to realize that the only way I could get my cracker up on eBay was to list it with the rest of the back-of-the-van over-18 stuff. And so I did. I was not happy to have to do it that way. But I was glad that I’d finally managed to do it. Somehow I felt VINDICATED.

Of course, the feeling of triumph didn’t last long. After mulling it over all evening, and then sleeping on it, in the morning I have to say I felt a little bit… dirty. My poor cookies. How could I do that to them? How could I stock them on the same auction shelves as porn? They are not porn!! I felt bad. Not as bad as someone selling their soiled undies might (or perhaps should), but still I felt a little dirty. My cookies are not lewd. They should not to be classed under “adult bookstore”. And so I took my auction down. eBay’s rules are just not for me. They are like those parental control measures that don’t let you look up breasts when you have cancer b/c little boys are googling boobies for the fun of it. Annoying and obviously misguided. SO I decided to share this with you all, so you would understand and feel my pain too.

Hey, check out my x-rated animal cracker!

Soooo.. last night we’re watching Indiana Jones with the girls. John and I are drinking wine and we’re all enjoying our favorite snack of Berkley and Jensen animal crackers. We’re sitting there, sipping and munching, transfixed by Indy’s thrilling adventure, when I reach my hand into the bowl and – Huh. My cracker feels…weird. Bigger than usual. I pull my eyes away from the movie and look down to find:

Awooga!

Like two dogs at the park, the donkey and (I think) Buffalo are fused together into one great cracker of love.

Mommy, why are you laughing?? [I show them.] My husband loses it. Asks to see the cracker. We leave it on the table and threaten our children not to eat it. After the movie I position it on top of my dresser, tchotchke style. This morning I take its picture.

This cracker leaves me wondering. Was it a mix-up? a manufacturing glitch? Faulty equipment? Are those factory workers at the BJ’s (no-pun-intended) cracker plant just having too much fun? Should I let my kids eat animal crackers unsupervised or are they now considered adults-only snack food? And.. if I ate my special cracker, would it taste different? Questions. Questions…

I guess my biggest question is whether we should try selling it on eBay. I don’t really want to give up my copulating cracker. But who am I to keep it from the world? People bid on all sorts of crazy crap every day – remember that virgin mary grilled cheese? And although that was religious iconography (perhaps slightly loftier than my baked pornography), at least my cookie won’t rot.. And you just know someone’s gonna want to pay good money for animal crackers doing it! It would make a really unique Christmas gift.

Now I can’t stop thinking of titles for the post:

When animals attack!
Animal crackers gone wild
What they’re up to when they’re inside that box
How animal crackers make more animal crackers
Cookies gettin their swerve on
Innocence lost

Winners of the Worst Cubicle Ever contest

Last post o’ the day in honor of my beloved husband. This one’s for you baby. BTW: I think you possibly could have won had you entered!

The winner — if you can call it winning — of the Wired News saddest-cubicles contest is David Gunnells, an IT guy at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. His desk is penned in by heavily used filing cabinets in a windowless conference room, near a poorly ventilated bathroom and a microwave. The overhead light doesn’t work — his mother-in-law was so saddened by his cube that she gave him a lamp — and the other side of the wall is a parking garage. Gunnells recalls a day when one co-worker reheated catfish in the microwave, while another used the bathroom and covered the smell with a stinky air freshener. Lovely.

And you’ve GOT to see the photos – That poor man!!!

Read and see it all here.