It’s been a long time in the making, but FINALLY!  A new JUST SAY NO!!!

To recap.  JUST SAY NO! was a post series I started last year geared towards mothers & daughters – or sometimes people in general – trying to warn them of the risks of certain behaviors.  I covered Bratz dolls, booty shorts, treating your pets like children, pregnant men and biking on the sidewalk.

Today, just in time for the warm weather (available everywhere else but Maine), I would like to cover a topic which is lurking all over the world, threatening to tear asunder the very fabric of the universe. and it is called FAKE TAN.

If you have been living under a rock (or in the northern most reaches of Maine), then you may not know what a fake tan is.  Well, friends, BEHOLD!


(UN)HOLY HOUSE OF PAAS!!  That’s NO OOMPA LOOMPA!!  That’s a (gasp) MAN.

As you can see from the above stock photo (many thanks to whomever was brave enough to take it before being eaten by the giant Carrot cake w/out frosting), FAKE TAN is a scary, life-threatening phenomenon.  It’s CATCHY!!  Just LOOK!!  a few days later:



Back in ancient times, people spent time in the sun.  They toiled in the heat growing food, stalking wild beasts, and (occasionally) frolicking.  With sun exposure, their skin darkened and they felt better.  This “good feeling” had nothing to do w/ the cosmetic aspect of their tans, but everything to do with their body’s natural production of Vitamin D.  Perhaps the single most underrated nutrient in the world – Vitamin D is something your body makes FREE OF CHARGE.  just add sunlight.  NO RUB ON CREAMS OR SPRAYS NECESSARY.

But nowadays, who needs the BLOODY SUN?!

For people like me with porcelain (aka, pasty white) skin, getting a tan can be a challenge.  Even minutes-brief exposure at peak times can render us LOBSTAH-FIED.  Doctors and parents drill into us the risks associated w/ sunshine, such as un-glamorous sun poisoning, leather-like dermis, basal and squamous cell carcinomas.  The answer?  ORANGE IN A TUBE!!  Yes, folks – even if God intended you to be white as a sheet for kingdom come. You too can glow like a RADIOACTIVE TURKEY.  No questions asked.

After all, who doesn’t want to be TANNNN???


JUST SAY NO! to Fake Tan.