I am taking a stand. For myself. My daughters. For the future of girls everywhere, who will one day grow up to be women. And for grown-up women who have only the sense of small girls. I have decided to start a column here on The Daily Dish called JUST SAY NO! This semi-regular post will inspire women to be the best they can by JUST SAYING NO! to something I have deemed 100% truly awful.

So w/out further ado, Today, Ladies, let’s JUST SAY NO! to Ass Shorts.

If you live in the US then you have seen these shorts somewhere. At the beach, at the mall, at the gym. Who knows. Depending on where you live, maybe even at church. Butt shorts, booty shorts, whatever you want to call them. Those elastic-waist gym shorts w/some sort of logo or catch phrase splashed across the butt. Things like CHEERLEADER or FOXY or U WISH. HELP ME. CALL 911. or UNDERAGE.

I do not think it’s cool to encourage strangers to read my ass. And I reaaally reeeeaaaaaaaallllly don’t think it’s cool to invite unknown callers to check out those of my daughters. And by NOT COOL, I of course mean anyone who does should have their eyeballs ripped from their sockets with a rusty fork and then set on fire.

I have, however, seen young girls wearing these ass shorts. I can’t say how old they were, but if you are using a binky (pacifier) then you are pretty honkin young. MOTHERS OUT THERE. If you are allowing your minor child to wear ass shorts, you my friend are not only asking for trouble, you are indeed DEMANDING IT. You would not encourage (I would hope) any ne’er do wells to come fondle your child. Then why give them an excuse to eyeball their butt?? HEL-LOO?? I don’t care how old your daughter is, she shouldn’t be wearing ass shorts. It is BAAAAAAAAAAAD. Shame on you.

It’s great to have your own personal style. It’s great to be cute, or sassy, or both. But it’s hard to be taken seriously by the world when your ass SCREAMS HEY!!! LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE. I like to SWIM. or play FIELD HOCKEY. I HEART HORSES. Whatever. Tell the world how great you are w/out letting your fanny speak volumes.

So, in conclusion, let’s get a grip ladies. Do yourselves (and the rest of us) a favor, and toss those ass shorts like yesterday’s garbage. GRR-8!!!

Tune in next week for the second brilliant installment of JUST SAY NO! Till then, Remember to JUST SAY NO! to Ass Shorts.