humor

Going to the chapel and we’re gonna get married.

~ thedailydish ~ 9 Comments

My sister has recently become engaged and I for one am getting WAY EXCITED.  Not only is this going to be great for her. but also for ME.

SISTER: We are getting married!

ME: WOW!  Congrats!!!

SISTER:  Thanks!

ME:  SOOOooooooo…… Are you going to have a wedding party?  I mean, b/c if you ARE, then (ahem) you might like (cough) ME to be your (cough-cough) Maid of Honor, right>?  Seeing as I asked you to be mine. and ALL.  I MEAN, that’s only fair.  Right>? No pressure.  RIGGGHHT>>??

So after being asked so sweetly I of course agreed to be Maid of Honor.  Or, in my case (since I am already hitched) – MATRON of Honor.  I know what you’re thinking.  Matron of Honor sounds like an old prune face having trouble making number 2.  And I couldn’t agree more.  But I am going to put the FUN in Matro(FU)N of Honor!  YAY!

My first question though – what exactly does a Matro(fu)N of Honor DO?  Sure.  I get to stand up at the altar and look good. alongside my sister.  But.. what else?  My husband made a comment about the bachelor party a while back.  And that got me thinking..  Isn’t that my job?  Planning the bachelorette party>>?  If SO. I have a feeling this Matro(FU)n of Honor role is custom tailored to yours truly.  NOT that I am a pervy weirdo who likes baking penis shaped cookies or anything.  But still.  I think I could come up w/ some hooting fun for a group of intoxicated women.  If the need arose.

Unfortunately. I live 1200 miles away from my sister.  B.c of my freaky ear disease I don’t fly.  So I fear this is going to make fun a little difficult to come by.  I was going to suggest to my sister that she plan the party such that I can drive both ways out to Las Vegas (you know, like 2 weeks each way) but I think my kids might miss me a bit.  And my husband might not like it.  When he mentioned the bachelor party he had an impish little grin on his face, but then when I suggested I would be planning the bachelorette party, he looked a little surly.  And then said something about how people nowadays really should be classier.

Does that mean this isn’t the best choice for my gown?  They are getting married in HOTlanta, you know.

Catching up.

~ thedailydish ~ 22 Comments

Many, MANY thanks for all the well wishes.  I am finally feeling normal again, thank GOD.  This episode was particularly bad.  Normally the dizziness lasts about a week, this time it was more like 10-11 days.  Being me (read DAMN STUBBORN) I basically try to do everything I normally would.  Which – being home most of the time – is usually o-kay.  I can rest between laundry, kids, pets, chores, etc.  When the spins get overwhelming, I lay down.  But Thanksgiving on spin cycle…?  What a trip.  I spent the day in the kitchen, of course.  WELL – It was that or… what?  Try finding a low sodium holiday meal anywhere on a NORMAL day, let alone one when everything is closed.  SO I PERSEVERED.  Being (as I mentioned) stubborn as hell – as well as halfway insane, it didn’t much matter how sh*tty I felt.  I was going to conquer Thanksgiving or die trying.  The results were divine.  I tried several new recipes this year, including a low sodium cornbread stuffing, baked squash & apples, and whipped sweet potatoes.  Which, if I get my act together, I’ll post on my other DAILY DISH.  Stop laughing.

SO. Before the pity fest, I’d been discussing our latest home improvement project.  Re-tiling the upstairs bath.   Here’s the before shot.

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Halloween Observations

~ thedailydish ~ 18 Comments

Hope you all had a great Halloween!  Me??  WELL. Saturday night I took my younger daughter Trick-or-Treating.  Being new to the neighborhood, I was on HIGH ALERT.  Paying extra special attention to everything.  Such as, Why do so many people here have curtains? And why do these be-curtained people not have their porch lights on?  Or answer their doorbells?  Even when we rang more than once.  I could see faint light through these window treatments, so they were obviously inside, watching TV or playing on the computer.  But they weren’t answering their doors.  Granted, I had to stick our candy out front in a bowl while we went trick-or-treating ourselves.  Long story short: my husband & our older daughter were out of town, so we didn’t have anyone to “tend” to the house like we usually would.  And our jack-o-lantern must have blown out (it was windy).  Our 250 yr old house doesn’t have a porch light, and we also don’t have a door bell.  And no one was home.  SO it may have LOOKED like we were not participating in Halloween, even though I spent $25 on candy that sat outside in a bowl, uneaten.  What I am saying here – is my new neighborhood is way quiet.

I have come up w/ 7 Levels of Halloween Participation.  I had lots of time between Trick-or-Treats to do this.

1) The Die-Hard.

Grown adults who retain the spirit of Halloween they had as children.  These folks go the full 9 yards.  They don costumes.  Their houses don costumes.  Put simply: Die Hards DO Halloween.  They spend months in advance preparing for the Big Night.  They assemble props.  They install theatrics.  They make constructions worthy of awards.  These are the houses all the children want to visit, though their spooky extravagance may leave little ones cringing in fear.

2) The Holiday Enthusiast.

These people like Halloween b/c they like holidays in general.  They do window displays.  They hang flags.  If they have a front yard, they own at least one large inflatable.  Often these inflatables cover multiple themes, such as Holiday + Local Sports Team (i.e., satan wearing an Eagles jersey).  The Holiday Enthusiast celebrates Halloween the same way they celebrate all holidays.  With eagerness and commercial support.

3) The Tepid Observer.

These people give out candy only b/c it’s expected.  They really do not want to, but are afraid if they don’t they will garner negative attention.  A few are secretly afraid of being egged. or T.P.’ed.  They never decorate for the holiday.  To do so would garner unwanted attention.  Mostly they just want to be left alone, but it’s hard to be left alone when people expect candy.  So on Halloween they answer the door and smile wanly as they drop a single KitKat into your bag.  Then they close the door and retreat into blessed solitude once more.

4) The Reveler.

This category covers those who like to PAR-TAY!  No need to elaborate.

5) The Non-Committal.

These Halloween participants are there in name only.  Not b.c they don’t want to celebrate Halloween, but b.c circumstance gets in the way.  These are the folks who leave a bowl of candy out on the front porch w/ the light on.  They may or may not decorate.  They may or may not have a lit jack-o-lantern.  Many parents fall into this category.  Also, older people.  Or the young.  Pretty much anyone who has a life and cannot stick around on a Saturday night to dole out candy.

6) The Hell Raiser.

This person believes October 31st belongs to the devil and trick-or-treating is akin to satan worship.  All who participate in Halloween ritual are pagans.  These people will not be home Halloween night b.c they are at church celebrating something not called Halloween but for which most of them are costumed and receiving candy.

7) The Unexcused.

This category encompasses the rest of the world.  Who say TO HELL! with Halloween – not for any religious reason, but for sheer (INSERT WHATEVER LAME-O EXCUSE YOU CAN COME UP W/ HERE).  These people cannot be bothered to buy a bag of candy.  They have more important things to do w. their time.  Like stay home on a Saturday night, watching TV or playing video games.  Behind their iron fortress of curtains. While the costumed stand outside ringing in the dark.  Treatless.