life with kids

The way you drive speaks VOLUMES.

~ thedailydish ~ 10 Comments

As much as I wish it were otherwise, I spend a good portion of each day driving. My older daughter to or from school. Running errands. Going to the post office, the library, the grocery store. What have you. And living in the middle of a big city, all this driving inevitably causes a whole lotta STRESS. Some nincompoop cuts me off without any semblance of turn signal. Another jackass sidesteps the WHOLE LANE OF TRAFFIC to speed past us in the BIKE LANE. Another guy just can’t wait for the light – or by the way, the elderly man CROSSING THE STREET. Frankly, some of these folks should not only have their licenses revoked, they should be pulled bodily from their cars and beaten senseless.

I curse frequently while driving. I hate doing this, since I pretty much always have one or more children in the car with me. We have actually had discussions about “mommy’s language” – how un-lady-like it is, and how it should not be repeated in public. I am glad my kids are bright, b/c other than peppering their day-to-day speech with an above average use of the word “Crap” they have heretofore suffered no other ill effects of my potty mouth.

I am a cautious driver. This stems from several things. 1) I value my children’s safety above all else and will not jeopardize it to get to [WHEREVER] ten minutes earlier. 2) I value YOUR CHILDREN’S SAFETY as much as I do my own. 3) I like people and do not want to hurt them.

B/c of this, I stop at stop signs. And when I say I stop, I mean I am probably the only damn driver in West Philly who comes to a physical halt-machen at the intersection. I stop. I look both ways. I make sure there are no bicyclists approaching. If there are, I wave them through. I do not give a shit if some psychopath behind me cannot wait 20 seconds for me to do this w/out their face turning purple. F*CK THEM. They will be the one going to jail for manslaughter, not me.

Driving here in Philly is bad b/c 1) there are inexplicable intersection nightmares, such as 30th & Market. WHERE ARE THE TRAFFIC ENGINEERS?? Green lights get traffic moving, especially onto the highway. MAKE THEM LONGER & MAKE THEM CONSISTENTLY GREEN ALL THE WAY ALONG. As it is now, the gridlock has traffic tangled in both directions from JFK all the way to the Walnut Street Bridge. If I had to deal w/ this every single rush hour I would GO INSANE.

2) Obeying the law is optional. And I am not exaggerating. The “roll-through” has been elevated to an art-form here in Philly. People speed. They swerve. They cut. They do not wait their turn. They do not like letting people in – unless you are attractive. And as everyone knows we’re all just a bunch of fat ugly slobs, you can imagine what this leads to. The cops do not enforce 99.9% of the traffic laws b/c they are too busy trying to keep us from killing each other.

3) Philadelphians are selfish like few others. Not all of us, mind you, but a whole whopping percentage of the population. Enough to make you think twice about trying to cross that street. When I was pregnant with my first child I used to walk home every day from work. 4 miles. from City Hall to West Philly. I was nearly hit more times than even I care to repeat. AND WHY? B/c most people suck. If they aren’t stopping for a full-term pregnant woman, you sure as hell know they AIN’T STOPPING FOR NO ONE.

4) Lastly, I would hazard a guess that upwards of 35% of Philadelphians drive illegally. And by this I mean w/out a license, registration, insurance – or all of the above. Sometimes in a stolen car. What do they care if they hit you or your car? It’s not their money. They are willing to take the chance b/c here in Philly at least, there’s no reason not to.

The way you drive speaks VOLUMES about you as a person. It accurately communicates your level of compassion and humanity better than almost anything. For instance, one of our neighbors is a very nice person, a deeply religious man, a hardworking husband and father, and yet, just last week, he nearly RAN MY HUSBAND OVER at the end of our block when John was riding his bike. WHY? B/c he didn’t recognize John and was interested in speeding up and cutting off that guy on a bike. People feel a sense of entitlement behind the wheel of their car which verges on sickness, and they behave in ways they’d NEVER otherwise would b/c of it. They feel protected in that cocoon. It’s like Jekyll & Hyde. For others, driving simply unleashes the INNER NATURE. Are you a control freak? Fast lane doing 55. Are you completely self-absorbed? Yakking into your cellphone, making a left turn from the right lane. The list goes on.

A car may be classy, but it’s only a car. The model you drive may communicate your taste or your circumstance, but it often has little to do w/ your true level of class. B/c THAT cannot be bought. Rich, poor, it all boils down to one thing. You can’t polish a piece of poop.

Spring break is OVER

~ thedailydish ~ 5 Comments

And I for one am definitely NOT feeling rejuvenated in any way, shape or form. Having two children home over an 11-day period, sandwiched between Easter and one of their birthdays simply does not make for a time of relaxation. Sure, we had fun together, we always do, but Spring Break provided me with more work than even I am normally accustomed to, and I’m happy to see the back of it. What was I thinking when I posted about Spring Break – WOOHOO! The only binge drinking taking place was in response to stress, and where’s the fun in that? There was no beach, no hot sand, no thong-sporting me (thank goodness), oh well. At least this morning my older daughter’s gone back to school, and life can resume some semblance of normalcy.

A big thank you to all of my patiently waiting Daily Dish readers. I have once again resumed posting, and today’s recipe – a low-sodium version of cheesy restaurant-style potato soup – is DELISH. So try it, if not tonight, then soon. I spent some time this past week in the kitchen (of course) and you can look forward to recipes for No Salt Added Bagels, homemade hot fudge, and more.
All very YUMMY.

I wanted to take a minute to reflect on my older daughter’s birthday party, since I know some of you also have kids. Having undertaken several parties the past few years, one thing really stood out from this year’s festivities. You do not have to spend a lot of money to have a great party. Let me repeat for all you skeptics: MONEY DOESN’T BUY HAPPINESS. We have done a couple “Big Parties” before, and by “Big Party” I of course mean expensive. One was at (PREPARE YOURSELVES) Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, I am still recovering from that one. The other was at a local bowling alley. NOT the mom & pop type establishment you’re probably accustomed to, but one of the new-fangled urban hipster bowling joints. A completely different animal. While neither of these commercial parties *Did Us In* in terms of expense, both of them did require a decent outlay of cash. Decent enough to make me question the expenditure in future. This year we were in fact thinking about holding the party at an ice skating rink, but decided against it. And I’m really glad we did.

This year’s party was modeled after those of yore. The Olden Times Children’s Birthday Party. Like from the 70s, and the 80s, and pretty much back to the dawn of civilization. Where you make some simple invitations, invite your closest friends, play games, have cake (YES for once I did NOT MAKE THE CAKE – see complaint about 11-days with 2 kids above). We had goodie bags. We had balloons. We had fun. And it did not throw our financial statement into arrears. My older daughter, as well as her friends, declared it THE BEST PARTY EVER! And in order to give our friends (the other parents) a REAL break, we made the party FIVE HOURS LONG. This is the only part of the whole thing I found particularly taxing. The length. B/c we planned everything well. Pizza lunch, a whole array of games, a craft, outdoor playtime, cake, present opening, free play.

But (as my mother warned me would happen), everything flew by – except the time. The games were over in a heartbeat. The kids loved them, but finding enough games to fill 5 hours would have taken preparation well beyond my level of skill. We played Pin the Tail on the Donkey, Duck Duck Goose, Hot Potato, Simon Says, Sock Toss, and more. No expense, other than the prizes. We threw everything together with stuff we had around the house, including the Donkey, which my daughter drew. We bought prizes at the dollar store, things like Silly Putty and Slinkys, and all of the guests won something. The craft entailed each child making their own t-shirt. I found nice heavy-duty tees at the dollar store for a buck a piece and bought a big assortment of those squeeze-tube fabric paints at the craft store. Couldn’t have been simpler, and the kids loved it. A couple of them went hog wild with the paint of course, so much so that the paint literally slid off their t-shirts when we picked them up at the end of the party. But they had fun. and that’s what matters. All of the kids really got to enjoy each other’s company, which can be surprisingly hard when you hold the party at a venue where attention is focused elsewhere. It made a nice change of pace, and I truly recommend this kind of party to all of you parents out there. With one exception. Learn from us and LIMIT THE LENGTH of your party. 2-3 hours will be MORE THAN ENOUGH time for fun and will allow you to retain every ounce of your sanity.

Egg hunt with the chicks

~ thedailydish ~ 4 Comments

Happy Easter everyone! Sending candy-coated wishes to you all. Here at the palatial West Philly estate, we are still recovering from the FIVE HOUR LONG birthday party we sponsored yesterday, which was super fun & super successful, but left us reaching for the bottle well into last night. Well. o-kay, just me.

This morning my husband, live-in tech whiz supremo that he is – recorded the ladies egg hunt, which of course I just KNEW you’d be dying to see, even though we have not showered and are not wearing any fancy pants Easter costumes or anything. So w/out further ado, Click here for the HUNT.

My first sewing project.

~ thedailydish ~ 6 Comments

Yesterday I was positively GIDDY with the glory that is my brand new sewing machine. So after finishing up all of my housewifely chores, and reading half the manual, I decided IT WAS TIME. I put my younger daughter in the car and off we went to find my very first sewing machine project. And since I just knew my younger daughter would soon be demanding huge amounts of my attention, attention which would otherwise be captivated by the glow of the light on my new sewing machine, I was also looking for a foolproof bribe. Which I oh-so-conveniently found in the form of a 15 piece paint-your-own plastic suncatcher kit; the best $4 I have spent in quite some time.

As a complete novice sewing champion, I wanted to select a pattern which wouldn’t tax my repertoire of skills and throw me over the edge. Here is the pattern I selected:

It does look sort of complicated, but reading the back of the package I decided it would fit the bill, requiring only fabric, thread and the pattern itself. It was waay less complicated than the prom dresses featured prominently in the racks, and slightly more practical than the patterned scrubs, especially since I am not employed as a vet tech – well, not professionally anyway. I was not eager to undertake anything requiring elastic, buttons or zippers, since I hadn’t gotten to that section in the manual AND I WANTED TO SEW NOW!! I then chose a 100% cotton batik print from India, not only b/c I found it attractive, but also b/c I knew its busy pattern would mask any less-than-perfect stitching and/or slip-ups. It looks like this:

YES it IS PRETTY. Thank you.

So by mid-afternoon I’d delved headfirst into the wondrous world of My Very First Sewing Project. And then the fun began. Because I never knew how truly colorful my vocabulary is, nor just how thin I can stretch my patience.

As I laid out the fabric and removed the pattern from its paper sheath, I wondered WHAT THE HELL I’D GOTTEN MYSELF INTO. It’s been 20 years since Home Ec at Abington Jr, and a lot of other baggage has been crammed on top of the Suitcase of Sewing Knowledge in the interim. I pondered the thin tissue pages, I studied the pattern directions which seemed to have been written in some secret cuneiform for sewing professionals. I am a cook. I know basting, but WHAT THE HELL IS BASTING?? After several online consultations and a whole lot of worried sweating, I just said Screw It. and I started. I knew it wasn’t going to kill anyone if it wasn’t perfect, I AM NOT NASA.

So as I pinned, and pondered, and carefully cut, I simply prayed that this undertaking would not render me so angry I would throw my beautiful new sewing machine out the front window. And as I stitched and bitched, basted and un-basted, and jammed the bobbin for the UMPTEENTH F*CKING TIME, I knew, thread by thread, that I was earning my stripes. I was rediscovering the joy that is creation, and seeing what every creator sees. The wondrous beauty in form. Round about midnight (with a dinner break in between) it was DONE. Well, technically I still have to slip-stitch the bodice liner to the inner seam, but as you cannot SEE THAT IN THE PICTURE, it is DONE.

Neat facts about polar bears & penguins.

~ thedailydish ~ 4 Comments

Last week I took my younger daughter to the Academy of Natural Sciences here in Philly. It is a nice museum. They have lots of old animals – some stuffed, some just bones. All very cool. They also have a new exhibit all about polar bears and penguins, appropriately called Ends of the Earth: From Polar Bears to Penguins. Since we were there on an afternoon, mid-week, we pretty much had the place to ourselves. Which was great. We got to try out all of the new exhibit stuff – lots of computer-interative features, quizzes, videos, and so on. They had a really neat game my daughter loved where you’d push a button and then hit light-up fish on a panel to reach a quota and “feed” your own baby penguin. We played against each other a couple times and of course I won. Mostly b/c I am 5 ft.10 and have super long arms, whereas my 4 yr old daughter is way short with short arms and the coordination of a 4 yr old. As the game is sort of like a light-up version of whack-a-mole (a game I rule as champion and always win at the carnivals), she was none too pleased, b/c she too enjoys a good mole whacking and is pretty darn competitive. Probably something to do with being a younger sibling. So afterward she asked me to join her and we won together, which was altogether more pleasant for her and still fun for me too.

At this new exhibit I learned a great many facts I was surprised I did not already know. I found this surprising since I consider myself a real naturalist type through and through, but who am I kidding. So I am here to tell you some of what I learned so that we may all be smarter together. Isn’t that nice? Yes it is.

Did you know that polar bears are not just big ass scary meat-eating creatures? Me neither. They also do have a gentler side. It is called being a Mommy polar bear. The Daddy polar bears are just the mean flesh-ripping fiercesome types you were imagining. But the moms are really nice – well at least to their young. And that is good. These nice polar bears (and the mean ones too) live only in the Arctic circle. That is at the North Pole for those of you not in the know, around Canada, Siberia, Greenland. Up north. Above here. I think those liars out there who talk about Santa Claus say he also lives at the north pole. But if that were true he would surely get eaten by a polar bear. B/c He is FAT. WAy fatter than those seals. And that huge red suit would just scream TENDER JUICY STEAK!! to a hungry polar bear. But we all know THERE IS NO SANTA. Oh, you didn’t? Oh. I am sorry. …Please stop crying.

Penguins only live in the southern hemisphere. WOW. I did not know this before I went to this exhibit. Sure I knew some penguins were from the southern part of South America – like the Humboldt penguins they have at the Philadelphia zoo, but for some reason the whole “they live ONLY in the Southern Hemisphere,” escaped me. the PAST 34 YEARS. Yes, I do feel dumb. If you think about it – it’s pretty simple. If they lived with the polar bears they would be completely wiped out by now. So they must live where there simply are no polar bears. They still have to contend with the insanely sinister sea lions, but no big furry white bears. Now I am smart.

Unfortunately I let my daughter talk me into taking the computerized knowledge quizzes before we had gone through much of the exhibit and of course I scored poorly. In fact, my daughter did better on those computer quizzes at the Academy of Natural Sciences than I did. And she is 4. I normally would have laughed and thought no more of it, EXCEPT THAT I CAUGHT the exhibit worker guy watching us and witnessing my stupidity. Initially I spied him standing behind us, then once he noticed I had noticed him watching he went and courteously stood behind a pole still watching, but at least being slightly more discreet. Not like when I caught my plumber checking out my butt – YEAH YOU KNOW HE WAS – but then he still charged us over $1800 and did not take off a deduction for his eyeball ass grabs, which you KNOW he should have. Anyway, the exhibit man came over to us later and was trying to explain some facts to me since he believed I was slow. Which I didn’t appreciate. When you have been outplayed on a quiz TWICE by a 4 yr old, an adult’s demoralizing condescension IS NOT WELCOME. Oh well. You will be glad to know I do not feel stupid anymore. Thanks to that great exhibit and the nosy exhibit guy, I will never forget the whole northern vs. southern hemisphere thing. And now, neither will you.