Going to the chapel and we’re gonna get married.

My sister has recently become engaged and I for one am getting WAY EXCITED.  Not only is this going to be great for her. but also for ME.

SISTER: We are getting married!

ME: WOW!  Congrats!!!

SISTERThanks!

ME:  SOOOooooooo…… Are you going to have a wedding party?  I mean, b/c if you ARE, then (ahem) you might like (cough) ME to be your (cough-cough) Maid of Honor, right>?  Seeing as I asked you to be mine. and ALL.  I MEAN, that’s only fair.  Right>? No pressure.  RIGGGHHT>>??

So after being asked so sweetly I of course agreed to be Maid of Honor.  Or, in my case (since I am already hitched) – MATRON of Honor.  I know what you’re thinking.  Matron of Honor sounds like an old prune face having trouble making number 2.  And I couldn’t agree more.  But I am going to put the FUN in Matro(FU)N of Honor!  YAY!

My first question though – what exactly does a Matro(fu)N of Honor DO?  Sure.  I get to stand up at the altar and look good. alongside my sister.  But.. what else?  My husband made a comment about the bachelor party a while back.  And that got me thinking..  Isn’t that my job?  Planning the bachelorette party>>?  If SO. I have a feeling this Matro(FU)n of Honor role is custom tailored to yours truly.  NOT that I am a pervy weirdo who likes baking penis shaped cookies or anything.  But still.  I think I could come up w/ some hooting fun for a group of intoxicated women.  If the need arose.

Unfortunately. I live 1200 miles away from my sister.  B.c of my freaky ear disease I don’t fly.  So I fear this is going to make fun a little difficult to come by.  I was going to suggest to my sister that she plan the party such that I can drive both ways out to Las Vegas (you know, like 2 weeks each way) but I think my kids might miss me a bit.  And my husband might not like it.  When he mentioned the bachelor party he had an impish little grin on his face, but then when I suggested I would be planning the bachelorette party, he looked a little surly.  And then said something about how people nowadays really should be classier.

Does that mean this isn’t the best choice for my gown?  They are getting married in HOTlanta, you know.

PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Did you MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MEEEEEEE??!~!!!!!!

I_MISSSSSED_YOU!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HANUKKAH! HAPPY KWANZAA! And ALL THE BEST IN 2009!!!

Since I didn’t get round to sending out cards this year – or photos for that matter, here are my belated greetings. I actually considered buying discount cards the day after Christmas, but frankly what’s the point. Now that I’ve reconciled what used to be a bank account, I am WAY GLAD I got those 5 calendars for half price.

Sooooooo what have you all been up to these past 2 weeks…..????????

REALLY:: You don’t say// NOOOOO???!! WOW.

Me?? WEeeeelllll. We went to Hotlanta for the holidays. And it was HOT. WELL. Not really, but it was warm. On Christmas afternoon we went walking, the sky was gorgeous blue and we didn’t have to wear coats, let alone mittens, hats and scarves. Though my sister gave me a sweet hat for Christmas – which I LOVE.  Kiwi REALLY likes it too.

hat

We had a grand ole time w/ my family. We played Trivial Pursuit and discovered that the official language of Latvia is LATVIAN. No fooling. Then we played Bingo. It was fun, but we all agreed it would have been better if we were playing for money. We drank wine. LOTS OF WINE. Now that my 2008 Wine Challenge is officially over, I am having difficulty giving it up. I blame it on the kids.  No.  Really.  Each time I go to stock up, the clerk eyeballs me suspiciously.  Like WHAT THE HELL”S THIS SEMI-ATTRACTIVE WOMAN DOING WITH TWELVE BOTTLES OF WINE??!  I always mention my children.  And the clerk, without fail, nods knowingly and asks to carry the box to my car.  SO. I am loath to stop drinking.  But what with the economy and our depleted savings, let’s face it.  I am going to have to cut my consumption altogether or switch to TRULY cheap hooch. My husband kindly left some adult juice boxes in my stocking.  Thanks babe.

winejuicebox

BUT don’t think you weren’t on my mind too.  I thought of some of you particularly whilst we made our hellishly long 28 hour car ride there and back. We passed exits for Raleigh (Hayden), Greenville (HellCat) and finally Columbia, SC (Connie). I considered swinging by for a spontaneous visit, but thought you all deserved a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We are not exactly at our Ellingsworth best after so many hours in the car. Especially after dealing with the endless stream of Left Lane Charlies.  And by Left Lane Charlies I of course mean those persons who man the left lane ONLY.  Neither speeding, nor passing.  Just passing the time.  talking on their cell phones.  Conversing w/ passengers.  DRIVING A U-HAUL AND TOWING A CAR.  Along the way we did find time to buy fireworks, mostly b/c I Insisted and was at the wheel.  We set some off last night and MAN OH MAN was it fun.  My favorite was Halley’s Comet, which made a loud BANG and shot fire balls skyward..and then streetward..toward our neighbor’s car..after the package fell over.  Fortunately, as our neighbor was still out of town, NO HARM DONE.

And so here we are home.  And it’s the new year.  WOW.  My husband casually mentioned last night that 2009 marks 20 years since he graduated high school.  I nearly snarfed my wine.  OH MY GOOOOODDNESSSSSSSS.  20 years.  HOLY CRAP WE ARE OLD.

And on that note.  Bottoms up.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!

ATLANTA, or why I love Target Brand Box Riesling.

When my sister moved to Atlanta for graduate school, I was happy for her. The separation was sad, but she was making a success of her life, and it wasn’t forever. I understood.

But when my parents decided to join her down south in Atlanta, well…..
that was just a bit too much. I felt slightly.. abandoned. Hey I know I’m way out of diapers, but I STILL WANT MY MOMMY. Atlanta is far. Far enough to make a one-day drive with 2 kids nearly intolerable, and other than freshman year of college I’d never lived more than an hour away from my folks my whole life. So when they made the move – to ATLANTA of all places, I was more than peeved. I was hurt. And angry. And not a little bit PISSED OFF, especially AT ATLANTA. What was so freaking great about Atlanta?

Man, I really hated that town. They did it right, burning it down like that. What did Atlanta think it was, luring my family away from me?

And so, for many months, I resented Atlanta like no other place in the world. It didn’t help that my family were constantly singing the praises of their new and glamorous city like fevered zealots. “ATLANTA this, and ATLANTA that.” “Wait till you see blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

SCREW COKE WORLD, I thought. At least here we have drinking water and can flush our toilets. I am NEVER going to set foot in effing Atlanta. NEVER!
That’ll show ’em!

But like sands through the hour glass….after a few months of not seeing my parents, and speaking to them less and less frequently, I caved like a sinkhole. Time apart from my loved ones had made me think differently. If Atlanta had taken them, I would just have to see why.

And so, this summer, we visited twice. And Hey Mikey! I liked it. Sure it wasn’t dirty dangerous Philly, but it had appeal. It wasn’t interesting in that old historic way, but it was BLING!BLING! like a newly-minted penny. My parents have a gorgeous home. They are happy there, except for missing us. So.. it’s different than we’re used to, but things down there are nice. AND CLEAN. And the People are pleasant. They let you in in traffic. They don’t try to run you over when you’re crossing the street. You can walk the hell out in front of their cars in a parking lot, and they STOP AND SMILE and wave you on. WOW. I DO still hate the fact that you have to drive absolutely everywhere in Atlanta, and it is hot as b*lls in the summer, but summers here in Philly are humid and disgusting too. And my parents have central air and A POOL.

So, yes, I have officially come around. And being the way I am, when I “come around” I REALLY come around. The place I once hated, now I can’t wait to visit again. And not just for my family. But for the STUFF. Atlanta has stuff we don’t have here. STUFF THAT I LIKE. On our visit during the holidays, I came to appreciate even more the charm of the place – or maybe just the charm of the shopping. It’s everywhere. Miles and miles of stores. Sure, they’re mostly the same stores we have here, but they’re like our stores on STEROIDS. The brand new Target here is like their SUPER TARGET’S shrimpy homely cousin. Their Trader Joe’s is awesome and it SELLS WINE AND BEER!!! No wonder people there are so nice. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT SORT OF CHEAP CONVENIENCE?!

I must have gone to the Super Target by my parents house 3 times in 4 days. I just never wanted to leave. I wanted to LIVE THERE. And I am not joking. I felt like some poor deprived third-worlder having stumbled upon paradise. AND I AM NOT THAT INTO SHOPPING, PEOPLE! It’s just THAT GOOD. During one of the Target shopping trips, I came upon something which stopped me in my tracks. You know how great Target is? How every single thing they make is just so irresistably cute/cool/hip and unbelievably inexpensive, that you think surely this corporation has sold its soul to the devil? Well, you will then understand what I have to say. You see, I like wine. I love wine. If I didn’t have kids, I would probably be a full-fledged wino. Well. ATLANTA TARGETS SELL THEIR OWN BRAND OF BOX WINE – but they are CUTE!! AND COLORFUL!! AND FILLED WITH WINE!! AND WHY AM I STILL LIVING HERE IN PHILLY???!! I don’t even like box wine, but now I do because it’s like everything else at Target. IRRESISTIBLE.

I bought the above box of Riesling as a souvenir to bring home, and I don’t even like Riesling. Not even a little. But I thought I WILL LIKE TARGET BRAND BOX RIESLING, I just know it! So we stuck it in the fridge when we got home, and didn’t open it all last week b/c I was so sick, but night before last we each poured a glass and I thought YES! TARGET BRAND BOX RIESLING! DELICIOUSNESS ITSELF!! But then I drank it and thought NO! DEAR LORD, NO!!!

You see, Target branding cannot make up for the fact that I hate the cloying sweetness of Riesling wine. HOWEVER, just because I hate the taste of this wine, DOES NOT MEAN I HATE TARGET BRAND BOX RIESLING> oh Contraire! SIMPLY BECAUSE I hate its taste, it means I will drink less of it. And that’s a good thing, right? After the first glass, the second goes down easy. And who can bear wasting wine, after all?