humor

SICK DAY

~ thedailydish ~ 11 Comments

My kids are home sick.  YEP.  Both of them.  Home.  WITH ME. Allllllll daaaaayy looooong.  Of course they’re not sick enough to stop fighting or asking to go to the playground. This morning they were plenty well enough to fly out the door to the front porch and start digging in their beloved dirt bowls.  When I suggested they put their clothes on and return to school, they of course started coughing and immediately came back inside.  Now they are wrestling on the couch and making mouse houses in the living room.  Mouse Houses is code language for tents made out of blankets and sofa cushions.  They like to hang out in there, watching movies on the laptop.  One of the tents is the “library” where they rent the movies.  The other is the theater.  As long as they’re not beating the hell out of each other, fine by me.

SO. Day Two of Sick Fest.  TWO DAYS.  If that isn’t enough to make you reach for the theraflu, nothing is.  Unfortunately I hate that stuff.  HATE IT.  Unless it says 100 proof w/ a skull and crossbones on the label, then it’s just wasting my time.  But yesterday. I had to do something.  By 10 am the ladies – sick or not – were going fisticuffs, my throat felt like hamburger and my sanity was waning.  I resorted to the only homeopathic treatment available.  Tea w/ honey?  A steamy hot bath?  NO.  2 pepsi throwbacks and hope for the best.  Fortunately I fell asleep.  Unfortunately, I feel asleep face down into the pillow with the bird on my head.  By mid-afternoon when I awoke, the duvet cover was unmentionable and I will not comment on the state of my hair.  From now on I’m sticking to alcohol.

I spent the remainder of yesterday finishing a wonderful book (THE HUNGRY OCEAN by Linda Greenlaw) and browsing the AS SEEN ON TV website.  The former was excellent, the latter not so much.  But both were remarkably entertaining.  Just look at some of what I found.

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I have no idea why that image IS SOOOOOO DARN LONG EITHER!!!! BUT if that dog isn’t thinking JUST YOU WAIT, BUDDY I don’t know what’s what.  And I’d be pissed too! if some crazy human made ME pose w/ a big bag of crap dangling just inches from my face.

Look at this poor woman.

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The ARCTIC TIE promises INSTANT RELIEF FROM THE HEAT.  HEAT KILLS!  STAY COOL

Frankly folks, if it was a choice between life w/ the bandana necktie or death by heat – you KNOW which one I’m picking.  Plus, after watching that Independent Lens special last night on gang warfare, I was reminded of the whole “Colors” thing – you know, the Crips vs. the Bloods, Blue Vs. Red.  What if you stumbled into the wrong turf with the wrong color dingus lasso round your neck?  That could get ugly.

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BOY-YOING-YOING!  Welcome to the advert for HEART TOPS Nipple Covers.  NOW. I don’t know about YOU, but it sure makes ME feel more secure knowing I can buy stickers for my nipples.  I MEAN there is such a thing as SHOWING TOO MUCH in this day and age.  When I go topless, sometimes I feel a bit self-conscious.  Or when I’m wearing one of those painted-on shirts, YOU KNOW, the ones that leave the hooter horns on high alert ALL DAY LONG, sometimes I feel… well, a bit embarrassed.  BUT Having those heart-shaped nipple stickers!  WHAT A LIFESAVER!! 

BZ

The AMAZING handheld Bug ZAPPER! Environmentally safe… UNLESS YOU’RE A BUG! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHH!!!!!!!!  Oh. wait.  They’re serious. The Bug Zapper electrified tennis racket kills on contact.  FUN, SAFE, EFFECTIVE.  BOY THERE”S SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS.  I can’t WAIT to see what kind of litigation comes out of this one.

PedEgg – the NEW family pastime!

~ thedailydish ~ 23 Comments

Last week, an anonymous donor (really Curly Wurly Gurly) made our day by sending us a very special package.

It arrived so innocently.. WHAT COULD THIS BE??

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And then.

OH MY GOOODNESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

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My VERY OWN PED EGGGGGGGG!!!

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HURRY HOME HONEY. We’re WAITING….

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The first scrapes made us all a little nervous — would it hurt??

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NO WAY! The PegEgg is (as they say) “so gentle, it won’t even pop a balloon!”  Soon we were in PEDEGG FRENZY!!!!!

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My children and I were fighting tooth & nail to be the next to scrape off Daddy’s heel callouses.  Talk about FURY!  I’ve never seen such scrambling (especially by CHILDREN) to get at a pseudo beauty product in all my life!   And the fun didn’t end there – oh no.  Because in between scrapings we rallied to be the next to OPEN the PedEgg and gaze in wonder at all the little skin bits.

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Talk about sensation!  Even though most of them had fallen into my lap like so many sloughed off snowflakes, we were still AMAZED by how truly captivating the whole process could be.

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Our only criticism?  The PedEgg is “so safe & gentle, it won’t even pop a balloon!”  SERIOUSLY.  NOT that we were looking to leave John footless, but the PedEgg took FOREVER to get even the barest amount off.  We were tempted to try the cheese grater.

Next up?  Someone please send us the SHED-ENDER!!

THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!!

The Grind.

~ thedailydish ~ 17 Comments

I have a confession to make.  Since moving to Portland, I’ve met someone.  I know, I know!  I am a Hussy.  It’s not like I went out looking for it – really – but when it’s there in front of you, day after day after day, and you have a real NEED (if you know what I mean).  Well.. not to make excuses, but even the strongest willed woman may eventually cave.

It started out so small.  A mere flirtation.  I looked down and there he was.  Waiting.  I knew it was wrong, I did.  But no one was around.  John, the kids – they’d gone to the park.  And he was so ready, and willing.  It wasn’t like I’d forgotten what it’s like.  I’d had experiences when I was younger.  I know how careful you have to be.  It can get so noisy, and there’s always the risk.. of losing part of yourself.  But I wasn’t going to let that happen.  I wouldn’t get hurt.

Now he has me.  I’m hooked.  Even though I know it’s wrong, and I don’t even know what’s happening half the time, I don’t care.  Things start piling up around me, I feel overwhelmed, and like magic, he just makes it all go away.

I can’t keep it a secret any longer.  [Don’t be shy – let them see you]  Everyone, meet

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Sven.

I know when you read this, you will be shocked.  Outraged.  INSANE with jealousy!  And I am sorry.  But now that I’m living in an upstairs apartment, with no compost bin around, no garden to tend, and designer blue trash bags that cost a fortune to fill, it was only a matter of time.