Breaking news: Insane woman sets fire to muffler-less jalopy

Dear Diary,

How are you?  I am tired.  Although I went to bed early last night, I was awoken this morning, as usual, by the newspaper delivery person.

We do not get the newspaper delivered anymore.  No. We put a stop to that two months ago.  But our nearest and dearest neighbors DO and the driver’s car is driving me insane.  Every morning, at some point between 3:58 and 5:38 am, it’s NEWS TIME!

For weeks I have awoken, groggy, to the deep reverberation of a car.  BBBbbbrrrrrrrrrr…  BRrrrrrrrrrrrrr.. BBBRRrrrrrrrrrr… <stop>  BbbbRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr… BBBrrrrrrrRRRrrr… BBBrrrrrrrrrrrr.. <stop>  And so on.  I lay half-awake in the dark, noting the time on the alarm clock, the stock stillness of the house pitted against the caffeinated jolt of a car that should have been crushed years ago.  I shake a weary fist in the dark.  I listen as the craptastic vehicle makes its amped-up way from house to house, tossing out papers, before fading into the blackness from whence it came.

Some days I fall back asleep.  Others, I lay in bed for hours, pondering everything imaginable.  Like the prospect of taking a month off to drive 1200 miles to get away from the newspaper delivery driver’s car.  And whether today could be THE DAY.  The day when I crack and finally phone the Portland Press Herald to complain.

But what do you do when someone’s livelihood depends on a car?  A car that can only be driven in the dead of night because there’s NO FREAKING WAY it could possibly pass inspection?  And the driver is surely just a normal person, trying to scrape out a living delivering newspapers in the dark, in a car that has most certainly rendered him/her hard-of-hearing.  So sad.

Instead of ratting out the impoverished, deaf, newspaper delivery person, I have begun asking God for a merciful end to this torment.  My prayers go something like this:  Please Lord, let the newspaper delivery person be saving up for a muffler so that he/she can start delivering pizzas during the day.  Please let some delicious free pizza show up on my doorstep.  And, most importantly, please let the next newspaper person drive a Prius.  Amen.

Blearily yours,


0 thoughts on “Breaking news: Insane woman sets fire to muffler-less jalopy

  1. I also am very sensitive to noises at night, and unfortunately once awake, sleep can stay away. Luckily we niw have no milk deliveries, or newspaperboys. However still if wakened by rain or wind, the brain becomes active…..and sleep evades me.

    My only answer is to come downstairs, snuggle into one of our big leather chairs at the tv, turn it to the News Channel, and fall off with boredom!

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