life with kids

When a vacation isn’t really a vacation at all.

~ thedailydish ~ Leave a comment

Last week was “Vacation Week” here in Maine.  Vacation Week is when all the schools close.  HOORAY! say the kids.  YIPPEE! say the teachers.  ARGGH! go the parents.  Vacation Week translates to 7 days of overcrowded conditions at every kid-friendly venue w/in driving distance.  We never had this sort of thing in Philly.  No way.  It must be exclusively New England.  I found out that Boston schools also had the week off.  So I’d imagine New Hampshire, maybe even Vermont also participate.  If you are rich, you can have the nanny take the kids someplace.  Heck- if you are rich, you can fly somewhere for the duration and let the nanny deal with them at home.  But for those of us living in the real world, Vacation Week is a 7-day test of wills.

My vacation week was spent mostly refereeing between my daughters.  My younger one has developed an acute sensitivity to all sounds made by her older sister.  So much of the week was filled with variations of the following scenario:

YOUNGER DAUGHTER:  (Expressing extreme exasperation) UUUUGH!!  Madison – STOP IT!  Mommmm, Maddie’s making SUCKY NOISES!

OLDER DAUGHTER:  I am NOT.  She’s touching me!!  Quit touching me!!  MOMMMMMMM!!  Make her stop!!!

By Monday, I was ready for a real vacation.  Which of course meant I was sh!t outta luck, since I cannot fly and we don’t have a nanny.  So what did we do?  We went to the movies.  The girls wanted to see Planet 51, but it wasn’t playing anywhere.  I wanted to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, but it wasn’t playing anywhere.  I suggested Percy Jackson – which sounds like a Greek Harry Potter, but the girls said No.  So we wound up at The Tooth Fairy.  Did I mention we got there just as the movie was starting, and since it was Vacation Week & everyone else was also there, we had to sit in the 2nd row?

Tuesday.  The girls had two of their best friends over, who also happen to be 2 sisters.  Normally they get along really well, but for vacation week the 5 hour play date was more like boot camp.  For some reason, the girls kept pairing off and picking fights w/ each other.  The fact that our very large dog, Max, viewed the whole thing as a novelty to be impinged upon didn’t help matters.  At one point, Max knocked over the smaller of the 2 sisters and attempted to mate with her back.  Funny?  NOT FUNNY AT ALL.  Did I mention she was outside, it was snowing and the ground was covered in mud?  And she was wearing her brand new jeans she’d gotten the day before?

Wednesday.  We’d been planning on going to Vermont for the weekend, so I had a bazillion errands to run.  To the vet to buy Sir Humps Alot more food.  To the thrift shop.  The Library.  The Grocery Store.  The Other Pet Shoppe.  You name it.  The 2 sisters called to invite the girls over for a sleepover.  I was there in 20 minutes w/ a dozen Dunkin Donuts.   AHHH.  Vacation Week.

Thursday.  Friends from Philly stopped by in the morning, on their way to Northern Maine.  The girls returned from the sleepover.  We went out to lunch at Indian Buffet.  We left Indian Buffet and I was immediately informed my daughters were hungry.  We decided against going to Vermont, since it was cold & snowy there, and in Portland it was gorgeous, sunshiny and 40 degrees.  I put away our snowshoes and we went to the beach.  The girls fought in the car, on the beach and everywhere in between.

Friday.  We went to Boston.  Ignorant of the fact Boston’s children were also on Vacation Week, we made our way to the Children’s Museum.  Aka, GROUND ZERO.  The entrance line trailed nearly out the door.  Every single stroller in Bean Town appeared to be in tow.  The place was so damn packed I gave up trying to do anything but stand someplace, anyplace out of the way.  Note to self: If I should ever have another child, teach them to walk IMMEDIATELY.

Saturday.  We went to the community center to go swimming.  My first time.  Since my hair is longer than shoulder length, I was required to wear a swim cap.. which I didn’t have.  So I had to borrow one from the LOST & FOUND.  Since they were fresh out of circa 2010 cloth caps, I was forced to wear the one grandma bequeathed the pool in 1960.  The ear flaps were an added bonus.

Sunday.  The highlight of Vacation Week comes on its last day.  We drove north to Popham Beach State Park.  Miles of wide coast, sand bars, and rocky isles.  The day was beautiful.  The kids barely fought.  Even the dog was on his best behavior.  Almost made me wish for another week of vacation..  NOT.

Sip A Bowl – where have you BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!!

~ thedailydish ~ 16 Comments

When I was a kid, I liked to eat ice cream.  I liked to eat it in front of the TV sometimes, watching the Flintstones or Bugs Bunny.  I would devour the scoops & jimmies first, and when I was done I would lick the bowl clean like an animal.  It was fun, but it always left my face a little dirty.  And for those of us w/out any couth at all (like my sister) it was more of a full contact sport.

The other night my younger daughter announced that she needed a can of yellow waxed beans for school the next day.  Not that you care, but her class was making soup.  So I checked in the cabinet, and of course we have black, garbanzo, pinto, kidney and green – but NO yellow waxed.  My husband hustled off to Shaws and returned shortly w/ the aforementioned beans, plus the two most SPECTACULAR BOWLS I had ever seen.

BEHOLD!!  The Sip-a-Bowl.

sip a bowl

straw bowl

My daughter may appear skeptical but I assure you, one use & she was HOOKED.  This sip-a-bowl is amazing!  No more liquidy mess all over my leather couch.  No nasty sticky glop on the coffee table. Fewer brown stains on the tee shirts.  Hooray!  Next up: cereal w/ milk.  Yogurt w/ whipped cream.  Applesauce.  Cream of soup.  Whatever else we can puree and suck down w/ a straw.  Somebody – quick! SEND MORE BOWLS!!!

Georgia & The Fly

~ thedailydish ~ 19 Comments

Last week I was sitting on the couch reading, when my younger daughter began elbowing me.  MOMMY LOOK!  MOMMMY LOOK!  She was pointing to something on the back of the couch.  I leaned in for a better view.  It was a run-of-the-mill housefly, perched on the back of the chair.  And it looked dead.

Georgia, that poor fly is dead, quit poking at it.

She was insistent.  NOOO, MOMMY IT’S ALIVE.  REALLY!! I figured she was just pushing on the little dead fly and wiggling it with her finger. But she wasn’t.  It was alive.  Never before had I witnessed a fly sitting patiently while being petted by a human, but there it was.  On the back of my couch.  Only after she’d picked it up and kept petting it for a while did the thing finally fly off.

georgia&thefly

georgia&thefly2

Georgia & friend

I was in equal parts revolted and amazed.  Here was a creature I’d always regarded as a poop-eating, garbage-dump-thriving vermin displaying what can only be described as (dare I say it?) TRUST towards my 5 yr old.  It’s not like humans and flies are the best of friends.  But that fly was as good as glued to Georgia’s hand.  She could have smashed it licketysplit.  But she didn’t.

Sometimes we are like the fly – willing to take a chance against the odds.  Sometimes we are like the child – seeing a friend in the unlikeliest of creatures.  Whether it was Georgia’s sticky hand — or the sweetness of her soul — that kept the fly there for so long, I’ll never know.  But I’d like to think a little of both.

Red Vines = Worst Candy EVER.

~ thedailydish ~ 76 Comments

In typical teacher fashion, my pal Curly has assigned her readers a June Theme Post.  Next time, I’m getting a Hall Pass..

Today I would like to talk about a subject most normal people enjoy.  CANDY!  Specifically, Red Licorice.  I love red licorice (even if it’s not *technically* licorice).  I also love black licorice (the real stuff) but we are not talking about that here.

redvine_closeup

I took the above photo of a red licorice twist this morning.  PLEASE NOTE:

  1. there are no visible bite marks on the candy.
  2. there is a lot of UNEATEN CANDY in this photo.

Coincidence?  I think not.  Two Words: RED VINES.

You wouldn’t think red licorice would be such a divisive topic, but it is.  Much along the lines of the great Coke v. Pepsi debate, red licorice lovers tend to fall into one of 2 camps depending upon which brand they prefer: Red Vines or Twizzlers.  No need to tell you, I’m a Twizzlers girl.

redvines_vs_twizzlers

  • Twizzlers: red “licorice” style candy that looks great and tastes even better.  They are soft and pliable.  Twizzlers are deliciousness itself.
  • Red Vines: red “licorice” style candy that looks pretty good but tastes awful.  Red Vines are rigid and bite like plastic.  Red Vines are just plain GROSS.

I have eaten Twizzlers my whole life long.  I’ve never cared for other red licorice, but had no strict opinion on Red Vines until just 2 months ago, when I encountered them for the very first time.  I was at the Target in South Portland, looking to score some candy for the movies.  YOU DO IT TOO, so pipe down.  I had a jumbo pack of Twizzlers in my cart when suddenly I spied a snazzy blue package on a lower shelf.

redvines

WOW.  ATTRACTIVE!!  I’d heard of Red Vines before, but when I read that they’re VERY LOW SODIUM, WELL.  I booted those Twizzlers faster than you can say LICK-OR-RISH.  Me & the Red Vines proceeded to the checkout and the Vines rode up front on the way home.  I was SO EXCITED TO TRY THEM!!!!  I had a Vine in my mouth before I’d even hit the kitchen.  Luckily for me I was near a trash can when I started to chew.. because [gag] First time in my life I had to SPIT OUT CANDY.  That Red Vine chewed like plastic and tasted worse.  It was hardly sweet, and there was this sort of wheaty flavor going on, uggggghhhhh.  Not good.  I ran to brush my teeth, but the vileness remained.

Afterward, I went to put them in the trash, but.. Wait. I thought twice.  Were they really that bad?  Like any good mother, I wanted to test them out. ON MY KIDS.  BWAHAHAHH!!!

SO. When they got home, I tried pawning the Red Vines off on them.  Did they pass muster?

redvines2

WHHHHYYY MOMMMY_WHYYYY?????  The taste – it’s stuck in my teeth.  It’s worse than a cough drop!

Now, you might think I am truly horrible for doing that to my kids.  HECK NO!  Any good mother will tell you.  Delicious Candy = FAT KIDS w/ ROTTEN TEETH & DIABETES.  I knew that candy tasted like crap – they weren’t going to eat it.  BUT I looked GOOD for giving it to them.  Mommy gave us candy = Nice Mommy.  Those Red Vines. They’re still sitting here, 2 months later.  No one’ll touch em w/ a stick.  I really should be calling up those Red Vines folks and thanking them for doing their service to America’s children.  But – between you & me, I’m afraid they’ll send me some as a Thank You.

SICK DAY

~ thedailydish ~ 11 Comments

My kids are home sick.  YEP.  Both of them.  Home.  WITH ME. Allllllll daaaaayy looooong.  Of course they’re not sick enough to stop fighting or asking to go to the playground. This morning they were plenty well enough to fly out the door to the front porch and start digging in their beloved dirt bowls.  When I suggested they put their clothes on and return to school, they of course started coughing and immediately came back inside.  Now they are wrestling on the couch and making mouse houses in the living room.  Mouse Houses is code language for tents made out of blankets and sofa cushions.  They like to hang out in there, watching movies on the laptop.  One of the tents is the “library” where they rent the movies.  The other is the theater.  As long as they’re not beating the hell out of each other, fine by me.

SO. Day Two of Sick Fest.  TWO DAYS.  If that isn’t enough to make you reach for the theraflu, nothing is.  Unfortunately I hate that stuff.  HATE IT.  Unless it says 100 proof w/ a skull and crossbones on the label, then it’s just wasting my time.  But yesterday. I had to do something.  By 10 am the ladies – sick or not – were going fisticuffs, my throat felt like hamburger and my sanity was waning.  I resorted to the only homeopathic treatment available.  Tea w/ honey?  A steamy hot bath?  NO.  2 pepsi throwbacks and hope for the best.  Fortunately I fell asleep.  Unfortunately, I feel asleep face down into the pillow with the bird on my head.  By mid-afternoon when I awoke, the duvet cover was unmentionable and I will not comment on the state of my hair.  From now on I’m sticking to alcohol.

I spent the remainder of yesterday finishing a wonderful book (THE HUNGRY OCEAN by Linda Greenlaw) and browsing the AS SEEN ON TV website.  The former was excellent, the latter not so much.  But both were remarkably entertaining.  Just look at some of what I found.

doesthisdoglookpissedorwhat

I have no idea why that image IS SOOOOOO DARN LONG EITHER!!!! BUT if that dog isn’t thinking JUST YOU WAIT, BUDDY I don’t know what’s what.  And I’d be pissed too! if some crazy human made ME pose w/ a big bag of crap dangling just inches from my face.

Look at this poor woman.

arctic_tie_thumb

The ARCTIC TIE promises INSTANT RELIEF FROM THE HEAT.  HEAT KILLS!  STAY COOL

Frankly folks, if it was a choice between life w/ the bandana necktie or death by heat – you KNOW which one I’m picking.  Plus, after watching that Independent Lens special last night on gang warfare, I was reminded of the whole “Colors” thing – you know, the Crips vs. the Bloods, Blue Vs. Red.  What if you stumbled into the wrong turf with the wrong color dingus lasso round your neck?  That could get ugly.

hearttops

BOY-YOING-YOING!  Welcome to the advert for HEART TOPS Nipple Covers.  NOW. I don’t know about YOU, but it sure makes ME feel more secure knowing I can buy stickers for my nipples.  I MEAN there is such a thing as SHOWING TOO MUCH in this day and age.  When I go topless, sometimes I feel a bit self-conscious.  Or when I’m wearing one of those painted-on shirts, YOU KNOW, the ones that leave the hooter horns on high alert ALL DAY LONG, sometimes I feel… well, a bit embarrassed.  BUT Having those heart-shaped nipple stickers!  WHAT A LIFESAVER!! 

BZ

The AMAZING handheld Bug ZAPPER! Environmentally safe… UNLESS YOU’RE A BUG! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHH!!!!!!!!  Oh. wait.  They’re serious. The Bug Zapper electrified tennis racket kills on contact.  FUN, SAFE, EFFECTIVE.  BOY THERE”S SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS.  I can’t WAIT to see what kind of litigation comes out of this one.