Like a Fish Out of Water.

Once upon a time, about 2 weeks ago, a family moved from Philadelphia to the coastal town of Portland.  Since the father’s new work would only pay for a U-Haul (*NOT MOVERS*), the family schlepped all their belongings the best they could in the back of a 26 Ft truck.

uhaul

The youngest daughter’s beloved goldfish were of course making the trip too,

sunnyblackie2

safely snuggled inside the *protective glass cocoon* of their aquarium.

The family’s trip began swimmingly, fueled by gasoline and a dozen Dunkin Donuts. But round about Marlborough Massachusetts, the mother – driving behind the U-Haul in the family car – began to notice water dripping from the back of the truck.  Frantically, she tried calling the father.  But the deafening road noise of the uncomfortable U-Haul thwarted her attempts for MILES.  By the time the father realized what had happened, the family was nearly to Maine.  And soon they were there, opening the back of the truck and confirming their worst fears.  The aquarium had indeed shattered and was completely devoid of water.  The little girl was devastated.

Until Goldfish #1 was found… ALIVE!!!!!!! After two hours without water, being jostled at the bottom of a glass-laden fish tank, Lil’ Blackie was still clinging to life!  The father whisked him TOUT DE SUITE upstairs to the (relative) safety of the only bowl available in the apartment BESIDES THE TOILET.  The dog’s food dish.  Although shaken just this side of the pearly gates and visibly worse for the wear, miracle fish BLACKIE was still gulping for breath and rallying as each moment passed.

BUT. what of the SECOND FISH>??  What about _SUNNY_?!

Do not lose heart, friends.  Despite the fact that Disney did NOT write this one, there still remains a happy ending.  Although the initial search for Sunny proved fruitless, and the family believed they would stumble upon her lifeless body beneath one of the soggy boxes, that’s NOT WHAT HAPPENED>.  No.  B/c as the mother attempted to lift the shattered remains of the aquarium out of the truck, Sunny POPPED out of the inner workings of a DECORATIVE PAGODA!!

pagoda

Everyone GASPED! And the father squealed like a girl as he giddily ran the fish upstairs.  Although Sunny appeared to have survived a blender cycle on Frappe, she was otherwise just fine. After being transferred to the red thermos cooler overnight, by the next afternoon, both fish were pronounced Stunned, but Swimming.  And by the following day, they’d been upgraded to STABLE and safely relocated to their new home.

tank

Not so unlike the rest of the family.

The End.

PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnrLloO7nFQ&hl=en&fs=1]
Did you MISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MEEEEEEE??!~!!!!!!

I_MISSSSSED_YOU!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HANUKKAH! HAPPY KWANZAA! And ALL THE BEST IN 2009!!!

Since I didn’t get round to sending out cards this year – or photos for that matter, here are my belated greetings. I actually considered buying discount cards the day after Christmas, but frankly what’s the point. Now that I’ve reconciled what used to be a bank account, I am WAY GLAD I got those 5 calendars for half price.

Sooooooo what have you all been up to these past 2 weeks…..????????

REALLY:: You don’t say// NOOOOO???!! WOW.

Me?? WEeeeelllll. We went to Hotlanta for the holidays. And it was HOT. WELL. Not really, but it was warm. On Christmas afternoon we went walking, the sky was gorgeous blue and we didn’t have to wear coats, let alone mittens, hats and scarves. Though my sister gave me a sweet hat for Christmas – which I LOVE.  Kiwi REALLY likes it too.

hat

We had a grand ole time w/ my family. We played Trivial Pursuit and discovered that the official language of Latvia is LATVIAN. No fooling. Then we played Bingo. It was fun, but we all agreed it would have been better if we were playing for money. We drank wine. LOTS OF WINE. Now that my 2008 Wine Challenge is officially over, I am having difficulty giving it up. I blame it on the kids.  No.  Really.  Each time I go to stock up, the clerk eyeballs me suspiciously.  Like WHAT THE HELL”S THIS SEMI-ATTRACTIVE WOMAN DOING WITH TWELVE BOTTLES OF WINE??!  I always mention my children.  And the clerk, without fail, nods knowingly and asks to carry the box to my car.  SO. I am loath to stop drinking.  But what with the economy and our depleted savings, let’s face it.  I am going to have to cut my consumption altogether or switch to TRULY cheap hooch. My husband kindly left some adult juice boxes in my stocking.  Thanks babe.

winejuicebox

BUT don’t think you weren’t on my mind too.  I thought of some of you particularly whilst we made our hellishly long 28 hour car ride there and back. We passed exits for Raleigh (Hayden), Greenville (HellCat) and finally Columbia, SC (Connie). I considered swinging by for a spontaneous visit, but thought you all deserved a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We are not exactly at our Ellingsworth best after so many hours in the car. Especially after dealing with the endless stream of Left Lane Charlies.  And by Left Lane Charlies I of course mean those persons who man the left lane ONLY.  Neither speeding, nor passing.  Just passing the time.  talking on their cell phones.  Conversing w/ passengers.  DRIVING A U-HAUL AND TOWING A CAR.  Along the way we did find time to buy fireworks, mostly b/c I Insisted and was at the wheel.  We set some off last night and MAN OH MAN was it fun.  My favorite was Halley’s Comet, which made a loud BANG and shot fire balls skyward..and then streetward..toward our neighbor’s car..after the package fell over.  Fortunately, as our neighbor was still out of town, NO HARM DONE.

And so here we are home.  And it’s the new year.  WOW.  My husband casually mentioned last night that 2009 marks 20 years since he graduated high school.  I nearly snarfed my wine.  OH MY GOOOOODDNESSSSSSSS.  20 years.  HOLY CRAP WE ARE OLD.

And on that note.  Bottoms up.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!

The Bissell Pet Hair Eraser

Every single upright vacuum I’ve ever owned has SUCKED, and not in the way it should. No matter how many belts I’ve changed, how many clogs I’ve unplugged, how much FREAKING HAIR I’VE UNWOUND, each and every one of them has failed.

You buy a vacuum. It looks good. It works well for a (short) period of time. And then SOMETHING HAPPENS. I do not know what precisely this IT is. But afterward, it will vacuum no more. Sure, the machine will push the dirt around, pretending to vacuum, but we both know it’s not picking anything up. Eventually the burning smell grows too strong to stand and the no-suck sucker gets shoved to the curb.

My parents, and now my own family, have experienced the heartache of crappy vacuums too many times to recall. My folks have sent countless vacuums to the repair shop, to no avail. Two years ago, out of desperation, my husband & I decided to use a shop vac exclusively. On the plus side: it works.  Unfortunately, it’s also freight-train heavy, cumbersome in size and indiscriminate in suction.  The shop vac’s superpower doesn’t wane, but frankly MINE DOES. Which makes cleaning more than once every 2 weeks an impossibility unless I want to be crippled.

But we have a LOT of pets. And we have kids. All of which are dirty. Our dog Max, for instance, has some sort of “seasonal” allergy which lasts roughly 348 days of the year.  This “problem” (for lack of a better word) leaves him an itchy, flaky, balding, stinking mess and our floors looking like a Head & Shoulders/Rogaine user’s most soul-shuddering nightmare. As you can imagine, Max is going through a particularly bad patch right now, leading to my thinking about this cleaning dilemma a lot.  If our vacuum weighed less than 75 pounds and was smaller than a kitchen table, I could use it more frequently.

So yesterday I went to BJs and I picked myself up a vacuum.

HOLY CRAP!!  I thought when I saw it.  THIS is IT.  I barely read the rest of the box; PET HAIR ERASER was enough for me. I looked at the price. Not cheap at $139.99 – but way cheaper than the $500 FREAKING DOLLAR DYSON right beside it. I wasn’t terribly optimistic, knowing how many times I’ve been had by other vacuums. But anything was better than hauling that shop vac up & down the stairs one more time.

My husband put it together last night, and had it working in minutes. I vacuumed one room and watched with pleasure as the canister filled with gray filth. I pushed that beautiful vacuum up and down our floors, gazing as it gobbled detritus like dessert, hairballs spiraling like a cyclone. OH! Pet Hair Eraser, where have you been all my life??

As I vacuumed, my heart filled with joy.  B/c my floors were clean. I could walk across them w/out leaving footprints.  The soles of my shoes were not plastered with hair.  I was FREE.

I vacuumed the whole first floor last night.  NO back-breaking labor.  No hunching over – dragging the damn shop vac throughout the house.  Today I brought my new Pet Hair Eraser upstairs and vacuumed the 2nd and 3rd floors.. WITHOUT BEING ASKED!!!!!  My husband – God Bless him – I know he did not marry me for my cleaning skills.  But he is gonna be LOVING ME MORE THAN EVER!  NOW That our home has been liberated from dander.

THANK YOU Bissell Pet Hair Eraser with Dual Cyclonic Action and extra long cord!!

Thank you for making me so very HAPPY!

Ladies & Gentlemen, may I introduce the greatest pet-hair-sucking-up machine ever: The Bissell Pet Hair Eraser.  Long May It Live. (PS: Click that link. The TV commercial for this thing is seriously funny.)

Mantid Love.

We have a large butterfly bush in our front yard which attracts a huge variety of insects.  Butterflies (of course), as well as all types of bees, flies, – this year we even had a hummingbird!  Pretty darn rare in the city.  Anyway. b/c of the number of butterflies, this bush is also home to a large cadre of praying mantises.  Mantids LOVE butterflies.  Their tender juicy middles in particular.  After gobbling them up, they drop the butterflies’ colorful but otherwise unappealing wings to the floor below.  So all summer long, while I’m weeding the garden, my daughters are gathering up the wings like so many discarded petals.

When I was a kid I never saw a praying mantis.  But I clearly remember people saying they were endangered, and telling me never to kill one.  I believe it was illegal at the time (the 1980s), but I haven’t been able to confirm or deny that.  All I know for certain is that mantids are thriving in 2008 – at least in our yard.  If a postage-sized stamp of a garden in the middle of a city is any indication of the greater picture, I’d say they’re doing fine.

And yet each time we find a praying mantis, you’d think it was the very first time.  We drop everything.  Holla to each other.  COME QUICK!  B/c we all want to see.  Their thoughtful eyes and slender grace are fascinating.  My daughters found a small one several weeks ago – of all places, beneath a checkout in Trader Joes.  They scooped him up, and carried him out of the store.  He seemed happy to be free.  But rather than hop off outside the exit, he rode for blocks on my older daughter’s hand.  Only once we reached the Market Street bridge did he fly off, soaring stories into the sky.

We’ve been fortunate enough to capture several others over the years.  Not in any box, but on film.  My skillful husband took these photos a couple weeks ago of a pair mating, and I just had to share them.  They are beautiful.  The text is excerpted from the North Forty News.  Many thanks for sharing.

PS: We now have a large egg case on one of the branches.  Here’s to next year’s offspring!

This brings us to the delicate subject of mantid love – or, more precisely, mantid sexual behavior.

Slender adult male mantids, smaller than the female, usually feature brown tones in contrast to the female’s greens. They display rather slow, deliberate care around prospective mates, often approaching from the rear and leaping on the female’s ample back when close enough. Females warrant this caution, even though their substantial weight keeps them grounded while males can fly, because a female may hunger for a substantial meal more than sex.

Sometimes she wants both.

Even attached and fully engaged, a male may literally lose his head servicing his chosen female. The female can swivel her head in a disconcertingly human-like gesture and decapitate her suitor. This may not even interrupt the act at hand. One author states that “removal of the male’s head, the bit which the female eats first, releases the male’s genitalia from nervous inhibition from the brain and leads to incessant copulatory movements.”

The smartest–or the luckiest–males avoid this circumstance, however, leap off their temporarily groggy paramour and run quickly away. Such mortal danger may insure that only the smartest males live to mate again.

Once inseminated, a female searches for a plant stem or fence post suitable for making an egg case and laying her eggs. Usually she selects a location 1 to 4 feet off the ground and constructs a case that resembles tan foam with the texture of a roasted marshmallow. Chinese mantids build round cases; the Europeans flatten theirs on one side.