Animal Attraction

Yesterday, amid snow filled skies, a group of friends gathered to celebrate the union of two very much in love stuffed animals.

The Happy Couple
The Wedding Party
The Best Man

A marvelous time was had by all and the ceremony got me thinking about love.  Isn’t it amazing how two different species of stuffed animals can come together to form a perfect union?  I know some folks are really adamant about who can & cannot commit to one another, but really, who are we to judge the love a chickie can feel for a bunny, and vice versa?  Or, say. the attraction a Buffalo can feel for a Donkey?  Because surely you haven’t forgotten about MY FRISKY COOKIES??!

YES FRIENDS! hard to believe they’re STILL humping after all these years!!  (But not as hard for us as for that donkey.)

Click to relive the magic (really, just read the original blog posts)

December 2007.  Donkey & Buffalo find each other in a crowded tub of crackers.

January 2008.  Donkey & Buffalo remain “attached at the hip”

February 2011.  Three years later ….. and STILL GOING STRONG!

As if their long lasting interlocked state wasn’t evidence enough, I have further proof that the Donkey & Buffalo’s inter-species love is here to stay.  Dear reader. What I have to show you may be shocking, but remember, it is NATURAL.  Earlier this afternoon, when I fetched my animal crackers from their special box, they…. weren’t alone.

BEHOLD!!!!!

Animal Cracker —- OFFSPRING!!!!!!!!

The Donkey & Buffalo’s union has produced a (I don’t know what to call it) just in time for the grandaddy of all Love Ins, Valentine’s Day.  Though he looks a little funny, his legs are a bit twisted and he appears to be moving forward and backward simultaneously, you cannot dispute the look of sheer unbridled JOY on the (whatever it is)’s face.  DON’T JUDGE!!!!  LOVE CONQUERS ALL

SO.  To all you naysayers. I say PPpFFFFFFTTTTTT.

Weeding vs. Wedding

For the past several days I’ve been on FULL STEAM AHEAD.  Not out in the yard, but in every bridal shoppe in town.  Not to mention the mall, several discounters, the outlet stores, a couple thrift shops, and that one really funky vintage clothing boutique downtown.  Plus, thanks to cyberspace, I’ve been cruising every upscale retailer in the country.  All in the quest for THE DRESS.

Back in December I posted about my sister getting engaged.  I joked about being Matro(FU)N of Honor, wearing a Scarlet O’Hara=esque gown, and so on.  Well, fast forward five months.  The wedding is now sitting on top of us and I’ve yet to secure a real dress.  I may joke about a lot of things, but this is not funny.

Without disclosing her private life, my sister is in a grueling school program which barely allows for sleep, let alone shopping.  The fact that she lives 1000 miles away isn’t helping.  Thank GOD she has her own dress already!!  But.. I hear you saying.. the mother of the bride always fills in the gap.  The mother of the bride buys a dress for herself, then helps the bride select dresses for her party, and the bluebirds sing while little fairies float around their heads and they all live happily ever after.  Well, of course.  Except our mother is a high powered executive currently employed out of state.  So NONE of us are together.  And if you haven’t gleaned this quite yet, I am not exactly a shopper.  Don’t get me wrong, if I had bags of money I wouldn’t have a problem spending hours each week in stores, but my life is not like that.  I wouldn’t know an upscale dress shoppe if it bit me on the a$$.  Which IT HAS.

Yesterday I had on a dress that costs more than I have in the bank.  It was gorgeous.  I wanted it BAD.  But it wasn’t quite right.  The day before I tried on roughly 25 dresses at a lovely bridal place downtown.  Many of them were stunning, but none of them was IT.  I have been to Macy’s more times in the past week than I have since we moved here.  I keep pretending this dress is going to magically appear from doors at the back of the store, but it’s NOT!!  I’m just trying on the same damn things I did the day before.

I want my sister to be happy.  I want her wedding to be perfect.  And in my own way I am trying to make that so.  But it is leading me to obsess.  And as many lovely dresses I have seen, in every color of the rainbow except for the one that I NEED, I have seen an equal number that should be stripped from the racks & burned.  The running joke used to be how ugly bridesmaid dresses are.  I think the backlash against hideousness has gone so far in the opposite direction, we’re now actually worse off.  I will be blunt.  I know every woman wants to look sexy and appealing, but if you are unable to discern the fine line between “gorgeous” and “cheap ho” please do us all a favor and stay home.  A wedding is sacred, or should be.  The BRIDE is meant to stand out, not your floozy self. Let’s show some CLASS, Ladies!

And on that note, I am off.  So many dresses to eyeball, only so many hours in the day.  Wish me luck.

Going to the chapel and we’re gonna get married.

My sister has recently become engaged and I for one am getting WAY EXCITED.  Not only is this going to be great for her. but also for ME.

SISTER: We are getting married!

ME: WOW!  Congrats!!!

SISTERThanks!

ME:  SOOOooooooo…… Are you going to have a wedding party?  I mean, b/c if you ARE, then (ahem) you might like (cough) ME to be your (cough-cough) Maid of Honor, right>?  Seeing as I asked you to be mine. and ALL.  I MEAN, that’s only fair.  Right>? No pressure.  RIGGGHHT>>??

So after being asked so sweetly I of course agreed to be Maid of Honor.  Or, in my case (since I am already hitched) – MATRON of Honor.  I know what you’re thinking.  Matron of Honor sounds like an old prune face having trouble making number 2.  And I couldn’t agree more.  But I am going to put the FUN in Matro(FU)N of Honor!  YAY!

My first question though – what exactly does a Matro(fu)N of Honor DO?  Sure.  I get to stand up at the altar and look good. alongside my sister.  But.. what else?  My husband made a comment about the bachelor party a while back.  And that got me thinking..  Isn’t that my job?  Planning the bachelorette party>>?  If SO. I have a feeling this Matro(FU)n of Honor role is custom tailored to yours truly.  NOT that I am a pervy weirdo who likes baking penis shaped cookies or anything.  But still.  I think I could come up w/ some hooting fun for a group of intoxicated women.  If the need arose.

Unfortunately. I live 1200 miles away from my sister.  B.c of my freaky ear disease I don’t fly.  So I fear this is going to make fun a little difficult to come by.  I was going to suggest to my sister that she plan the party such that I can drive both ways out to Las Vegas (you know, like 2 weeks each way) but I think my kids might miss me a bit.  And my husband might not like it.  When he mentioned the bachelor party he had an impish little grin on his face, but then when I suggested I would be planning the bachelorette party, he looked a little surly.  And then said something about how people nowadays really should be classier.

Does that mean this isn’t the best choice for my gown?  They are getting married in HOTlanta, you know.