It’s amazing how a day away from things can give perspective. Severed from my electrical umbilical cord, I AM A WHOLE NEW PERSON. Well not really, but it did allow me to put a day’s distance between me & THE DISH.
Part of the reason I had to stay off the computer was so I wouldn’t cave. B/c part of me just doesn’t want to stop doing The Daily Dish. Day in and day out. Forever and ever. Amen. This *part* of me is stubborn. It doesn’t care about ME. It is devoted to others. Their well-being. Their welfare. Their nutritional goals. SCREW YOU, it says. I call it Utilitarian Me, after John Stuart Mill. This part of me is always super determined. Disciplined. Moral. And now. ANGRY.
It is hard giving something up. Doubly so, when a part of you reeeeaaaaalllly doesn’t want to. Even if it’s bad for you or drives you crazy or makes you smell. Which isn’t my case, really, but you catch my drift. The Daily Dish is a good thing – a great thing, even. But it isn’t good for me right now. I am already juggling too much between the website, the kitchen, and my life. And now that summer’s fast approaching, I have been spending an exorbitant amount of time stressing over how I will get everything done with BOTH daughters at home. I shouldn’t be worried about any of that. I should be thinking of all the fun we’ll be having over the next few months. The beautiful weather. The hot days full of adventures and memories and time together. Instead I am thinking about the stupid website.
My daughters are, and have always been, my first priority. I gave up my career to stay home full time and I’ve never regretted it. I should feel no obligation to maintain a website I created out of the goodness of my own heart. And yet, I do. OF COURSE YOU KNOW I DO. But WHY? When I do it for no pay and it is becoming too taxing for words, that’s a bad thing. Lately I’ve felt like a fox in a trap, wondering whether I’ll have to chew off my own leg to save myself. My urge to maintain the status quo is almost too strong for my own good.
For now, it’s necessary to take a break. The website will remain as it’s been. I am not taking it down. I have avoided even changing it from the Memorial Day page, for fear I’ll CAVE. For the past year and a half, some part of my brain, sometimes all of it, has been consumed with this website. It’s like a baby. I literally gave birth to it, and it has been my passion. Developing recipes, deciding what to make, how to make it. What to work on, what to drop. I was already crazy about food and photography, but you put them together and I AM INSANE. When I was sick, I kept going. Doing anything dizzy is not a lot of fun. But still I did it, because I felt others were counting on me. When I went on vacation, I worried about my readers. Would they be okay? Would they be cheating? I thought more about them than I did myself.
I cannot tell you how liberating it is, after all these months, to taste FREEDOM. I spent 8 hours today cleaning my house. And even though I despise cleaning, today it felt good. No website. No recipe. As I scrubbed toilets, I thought about how SPARKLING THEY WERE. As I vacuumed, I thought how wondrous a machine a vacuum is, and how glad I am to have one. As my back ached while I bent over mopping the last floor of the house, I thanked GOD that I was finished. I wasn’t preoccupied with getting THE DISH done so I could take pictures while the light was good. Or having to orchestrate cooking of THE DISH so that it would conveniently coincide w/ mealtime. I didn’t have to think about any of that. Now my house is clean. And NOT ONLY THAT. BUT my priorities are straight, and summer is almost here.
So please don’t be sad. I want you all to know that this isn’t the end – it’s really, truly, the beginning. I have the next 3 months w/ my girls. I am SO EXCITED!! We will have so much fun together, and I will be blogging here about it all, sharing everything w/ you, my friends. In the fall, my daughters will BOTH be going off to school. And then – the fun BEGINS. The start of a real adventure for me. I’ve spent the past 8 years at home, being here for my family. Loving them, taking care of them, making everyone else a priority. For good bad & or UGLY, I’ve done it all. But come September, it’s Christy Time. IT’S ALL ME. And then anything is possible. Stay tuned. B/c come what may, I promise, it’ll be fun.
8 thoughts on “Life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness”
As long as we still have YOU. I m willing to sacrifice your recipes, but not your wit and ginormous heart and your yen for all caps. I guess that makes me selfish. FINE.
Glad to hear you will tell us about your fun summer with the girls! When mine were young, we went on all sorts of adventures and most did not cost much or anything just imagination!
don’t go anywhere, you fruitfly. we love ya. maybe in the fall you can do a recipe-a-week type thing so you don’t feel such pressure to post daily. xoxo
I think it’s wonderful that you have the opportunity to be with your girls and be a big part of their life. I think most every mother wants to be able to have that time to spend with her child/children but unfortunately not everyone can feasibly do it. And here you are saying this is what I want for them and for me and I’m going to make it happen. Good for you! Maybe this is just the break you need and you will come back rejuvenated and enjoy creating recipes again, but if not, then maybe it’s time for something else for you.
Either way, it’s good to know you’ll be sticking around to share with us 🙂
Hello, I’m glad you’re not going away completely just when I’ve discovered you. But I think you’re wise to “disconnect” a little bit. This can all get a bit addictive, eh? Always looking for that balance! Thank you for the comments on my site, and the wise insights too. Do everything as unto the Lord!
Thanks for the comment on my blog!
I’m glad to hear that you will have some “me time”. That is always so important in your life and yet one of the hardest things to do. Good luck and I hope you keep writing in the blog.
I take time off all of the time. Life calls! 🙂
But Beth – you have an excuse. A FARM! I mean, c’mon.. I complain about my workload.. but let’s face it. NOT QUITE THE SAME LEVEL OF COMMITMENT. PS: Love your latest pix.