Yeah yeah, I know I’m overdue for my weekly post. SO be it. It’s not like I’m sitting around on my duff (though I certainly am at this moment and BOY does it feel good). Listen, it’s hard finding time to write here when I spend most of the day in the kitchen and the rest wrestling crap out of the dog’s mouth.
So before Wipeout is over (I still have 17 mins) instead of some inspired something, or a blog post about the house, I am here to treat you with this:
When I met my husband it was love at first sight. Even though we were very different people from very different backgrounds, we didn’t care. Like a monster truck roaring down the highway, tossing rational thought to the backseat and empty beer cans out the windows, our love was YEEEEHHAAAWWW!!! Days flew into weeks, weeks into months, and before we knew it, we were getting married. Yet despite our commitment there remains one fundamental difference between my husband and I. Something few couples can resolve without tension, especially when children come along.
I’m ashamed to admit this, but for years I’ve tried to convert him. I know it’s wrong to foist your opinions onto anyone – let alone the person you hold most dear. But I simply can’t understand why he doesn’t feel the same way I do. How he can’t see the beauty in the light! The purity, the wholesomeness. The divine deliciousness of mayonnaise. That cloudlike concoction of whipped oil and egg, the condiment that elevates a humble sandwich to celestial heights. You wouldn’t think something so creamy could be so divisive. But when a person has devoted years of their life to something as important as a choice of condiment, it’s bound to cause trouble when the spouse isn’t on board. The problem? My husband HATES mayo. And I’m a homeowner on Hellmann’s Hill.
Ooooh how I LOVE mayonnaise! And have for as long as I can remember. The look of it, the smell of it, the touch and taste of it brushing past my lips to my tongue. Just thinking about it now is making my mouth water. Even on my low sodium diet, I simply cannot say no. I know I should, I try to limit my consumption. But whereas normal people keep a normal size jar in the fridge, this is how I roll:
GALLON SIZE, BABY!
Now don’t be a hater. If you, like my husband, don’t feel mayonnaise is pure ecstasy, that’s okay by me. Feel free to pass that little plastic cup of yours on over. I like EXTRA. When our daughters came along I wondered on which side of the fence they’d fall. And as luck would have it, we got one of each. My older daughter hates mayo with a passion. My younger eats mayonnaise sandwiches: mayo and bread. She may even like mayonnaise slightly more than me, but as a fellow devotee, I understand.
The reason I am writing this mayo post is NOT b/c we are out of mayo. Heaven forbid! No, we restocked last month and we’ve still got a little ways to go:
It’s because of this mayo “issue” between my husband and I. You see, he’s a mustard man. I like mustard, really I do, but it’s not mayo. And even though I know my husband detests mayonnaise, I am constantly trying to get him to fall in love with it like I am. So I try to slip it in things when he’s not paying attention. Today he caught me fixing some sandwiches for him and spreading the rye bread with mayo. Just a thin spread – almost undetectable – and only on the one slice, but he caught me. And yelled. And then stormed out the door. When he came back in I made my “sad face” at him and apologized. He hugged me and said it’s frustrating not being able to eat a sandwich the way he likes it. Especially when he’s told me, oh, 6,703 times he doesn’t like mayonnaise. But deep down in my heart I just KNOW he’ll love it.. one day.
Yesterday, amid snow filled skies, a group of friends gathered to celebrate the union of two very much in love stuffed animals.
A marvelous time was had by all and the ceremony got me thinking about love. Isn’t it amazing how two different species of stuffed animals can come together to form a perfect union? I know some folks are really adamant about who can & cannot commit to one another, but really, who are we to judge the love a chickie can feel for a bunny, and vice versa? Or, say. the attraction a Buffalo can feel for a Donkey? Because surely you haven’t forgotten about MY FRISKY COOKIES??!
YES FRIENDS! hard to believe they’re STILL humping after all these years!! (But not as hard for us as for that donkey.)
Click to relive the magic (really, just read the original blog posts)
December 2007. Donkey & Buffalo find each other in a crowded tub of crackers.
January 2008. Donkey & Buffalo remain “attached at the hip”
February 2011. Three years later ….. and STILL GOING STRONG!
As if their long lasting interlocked state wasn’t evidence enough, I have further proof that the Donkey & Buffalo’s inter-species love is here to stay. Dear reader. What I have to show you may be shocking, but remember, it is NATURAL. Earlier this afternoon, when I fetched my animal crackers from their special box, they…. weren’t alone.
BEHOLD!!!!!
Animal Cracker —- OFFSPRING!!!!!!!!
The Donkey & Buffalo’s union has produced a (I don’t know what to call it) just in time for the grandaddy of all Love Ins, Valentine’s Day. Though he looks a little funny, his legs are a bit twisted and he appears to be moving forward and backward simultaneously, you cannot dispute the look of sheer unbridled JOY on the (whatever it is)’s face. DON’T JUDGE!!!! LOVE CONQUERS ALL
SO. To all you naysayers. I say PPpFFFFFFTTTTTT.
Max and Blackie.
So unlike each other and yet, so fundamentally the same.
A year ago, Blackie survived an interstate move. He spent hours bouncing in the back of an unheated UHaul truck, in a broken waterless aquarium. 6 months ago he survived a second move, one which claimed the life of his tank mate Sunny. We tried finding him some new friends and instead gave him a parasitic anchor worm infection. Poor Blackie underwent extensive treatment over the course of weeks and somehow managed once again to triumph. But even heroes have their time. Blackie the miracle fish, who had given us his all and then some, passed away overnight without drama or fanfare. It was a gentle death. The most any of us could ask.
Much like Blackie, this year Max also rebounded from a horrific infection which nearly claimed his life. He’s always suffered from acute allergies (to what, we don’t know) but 7 months ago, Max was in the worst state he’s ever been. He’d lost nearly a third of his body weight, and his body appeared to be breaking down. I’ll never forget taking him to the Portland Dog Wash, a self-serve facility, just before we moved into our new house. As we gently bathed him, blood literally poured from his sides. His back half was nearly bald. The vet put him on steroids & antibiotics, we switched his food for the MILLIONTH TIME, and we prayed for the best. I don’t know if it was a combination of everything – this beautiful yard, the new allergen free food, the steady low dose of steroids, sheer willpower, love, but over the past 6 months, Max has RETURNED. Our friends and family who saw him at death’s door and see him now simply marvel at this beast. None of us expected him to live, let alone thrive.
Today is March 2, 2010. Max’s 9th Birthday and Blackie’s “death day.” I am not quite sure what the great cosmos is trying to say, taking one life as we celebrate another. So I will close with Happy Birthday Max. And happy trails, Blackie. Here’s to you both.
Two years ago, I found a stack of unused 1980s valentine cards at a thrift shop. Most were silly, stupid and/or downright risque. In short..
In the spirit of fun, I bought the cards and then offered them for free via this blog. Somewhat surprisingly, people responded; a few very enthusiastically. Just before Valentine’s Day 2008, I sat down and wrote out a bunch of cards. Some with personal greetings, some with “secret admirer,” all very sweet. Although I’d never met ANY of these people (or their loved ones), it didn’t seem to matter. I was acting as Cupid, spreading LOVE. In retrospect, I think it was one of the craziest, most memorable Valentine’s stunts any of us ever pulled. Last year (2009), I wanted to play Cupid, but my family & I were in the throes of a big move. This year (2010), I’m Baaaaaack.
Here is the remaining selection. Yes they are memorable. Especially the one w/ the nerdy guy which reads (and I quote): “Because you let me play with your boobs.” No I am not joking.
If you aren’t scared and running would like me to send a valentine to your special someone:
1. Click through the cards above. If any of them speaks to you, call a doctor IMMEDIATELY.
2. Then leave a comment below. I have 35 cards left. You may want to pick a couple just to make sure you get something you like. Or let ME pick for you. Remember. I am a professional! PS: Don’t forget your email!
3. I will contact you directly to make arrangements. If I get 35 responses, EVERYONE WINS! If I get no response, the (poor sad dejected) cards will return to the drawer from whence they came. Till next year.
4. Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.
5. I’ll be taking comments now through February 10th 2010 (or until all cards are claimed). Good luck! xo