Jealousy.

SO.  I’m standing in the kitchen this morning, enjoying a nice banana scone, when in walks my blog.  He looks awful and he smells even worse, like he’s been up half the night drinking.  He looks at me and announces in a wounded voice that we’re 2 weeks into the new year and – he says – I’ve done just one post.

YES!  I retort, but Interview with a Roller Girl wasn’t some slapdash diatribe regaling the world w/my favorite choice of deodorant (cucumber green tea); it was THOUGHT PROVOKING STUFF.  With formatting, photos and everything.

He scoffs, and proceeds to tell me that my friend Kim did most of the work.  Then he helps himself to the last scone.

I am stunned.  THE LAST SCONE?!  Now that’s going a bit too far.  I grab him by the arm of his dirty shirt and toss him out into the snow.  Deaf to his screams of LET ME BACK IN YOU SELF-ABSORBED MORON! I lean against the counter and think…

Hmmm..  I have been spending a lot of time lately with his brother.  Why, just this morning, when I wrote that banana scone recipe, I did find myself lingering..

BUT. can you blame me?  I mean, seriously.  I’m only human.

And then all at once – it dawns on me.  He’s jealous!  My blog! after all these years..  He’s feeling NEEDY.  While whiling away the hours with his brother, whipping up intoxicating creations for the salt deprived, my poor blog is.. Lonely.  Oh, the poor guy.

It’s not that I never think of him – I DO!  It’s just that I’ve been SO BUSY!  Cooking it up every day with his brother takes a lot out of a girl.  Yes that sounds bad, I admit, but.. I assure you it’s innocent.  Plus, there’s been the new puppy. Taking care of her has been totally absorbing, and  – What do you mean, what do I mean? Roxy.  The puppy.  The NEW PUPPY.  Oh?  I didn’t tell you?  (awkward)

(sound of crickets chirping)

Sooo, here’s Roxy!

No, not last week.  It’s been um.. more like a month.  Sorry about that.  I did post it on the OTHER Daily Dish.  So.  Yep…..

Okay.  I get it.  I understand.  My blog is tired of feeling sloughed off like an unwanted heel callous.  You know what?  I love my blog.  Even though I’ve been distracted, and haven’t been as attentive as in the past, that doesn’t mean I’ve forsaken him.  Like most marriages, this relationship between me & the blog is.. well, it’s special.  So I am resolving that this new year we start fresh.  I may have temporarily forgotten what it’s like to woo, but that doesn’t mean I can’t court with the best of them.  I can!  I CAN!  Blog baby, it’s gonna be different this year.  More daily contact — REALLY!  I’ll even take my socks off before touching your keyboard — b/c 2011, it’s all about YOU.

Simply irresistible.

Two years ago, I found a stack of unused 1980s valentine cards at a thrift shop.  Most were silly, stupid and/or downright risque.  In short..

SIMPLY IRRESISTIBLE!!

In the spirit of fun, I bought the cards and then offered them for free via this blog.  Somewhat surprisingly, people responded; a few very enthusiastically.  Just before Valentine’s Day 2008, I sat down and wrote out a bunch of cards.  Some with personal greetings, some with  “secret admirer,” all very sweet.  Although I’d never met ANY of these people (or their loved ones), it didn’t seem to matter.  I was acting as Cupid, spreading LOVE.  In retrospect, I think it was one of the craziest, most memorable Valentine’s stunts any of us ever pulled.  Last year (2009), I wanted to play Cupid, but my family & I were in the throes of a big move.  This year (2010), I’m Baaaaaack.

Here is the remaining selection.  Yes they are memorable.  Especially the one w/ the nerdy guy which reads (and I quote): “Because you let me play with your boobs.”  No I am not joking.

If you aren’t scared and running would like me to send a valentine to your special someone:

1. Click through the cards above.  If any of them speaks to you, call a doctor IMMEDIATELY.

2. Then leave a comment below.  I have 35 cards left.  You may want to pick a couple just to make sure you get something you like.  Or let ME pick for you.  Remember. I am a professional!  PS: Don’t forget your email!

3. I will contact you directly to make arrangements.  If I get 35 responses, EVERYONE WINS!  If I get no response, the (poor sad dejected) cards will return to the drawer from whence they came. Till next year.

4. Everybody have fun tonight.  Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

5. I’ll be taking comments now through February 10th 2010 (or until all cards are claimed).  Good luck! xo

Caught red handed.

I am pleased to announce wonderfish Blackie is home at last.  No he did not DIE!  He’s back in his tank.  I spent the bulk of this morning scrubbing it, and by lunchtime he was happily swimming round his decorative pagodas once more.  Upon closer inspection, however, his filter looked suspect.  So we decided to go to the pet store to see about buying a replacement.  Whilst there I noticed they had a large array of hamsters.  Male & female, several different varieties, ALL VERY CUTE.  So while my husband took a gander at filters, I kept watch on the rodents.  And OH MY GOODNESSS!!  They had Teddy Bear hamsters! Which looked jusssst like HAMMIE.  My daughter’s most beloved pet.  Next thing I knew I was squatting down beside the cage, slipping up the lid and reaching right in.  Most of them were asleep, so they didn’t know any different.  But the one who was mostly awake didn’t much like the proximity of my hand to his head.  He started snarling at me in that hamster way, bearing his long gnawing teeth.  Fortunately he got scared and ran into a plastic tube, leaving me free to pet his semiconscious friends.  I’d barely touched one of them when a voice rang out beside me.  A sales clerk stood a couple feet away, gazing down quizzically.  It was clear I was the first adult she’d ever caught in an unauthorized petting situation.  She asked whether I’d consulted a sales associate about handling.  I played dumb.  Ooooh, I was supposed to??  She gave me a look that clearly conveyed OF COURSE YOU MORON.  I continued squatting in front on the cage, mostly b/c I didn’t know what else to do and wanted to appear as nonchalant as possible.  She just stood there, looking at me.  I think she was afraid as soon as her back was turned, my hand would be in the cage grabbing one of the hamsters and making a run for it.  She asked if I was interested in one of the hamsters, whether I wanted to purchase one of the hamsters.  I answered noncommittally.  Then I fixed my gaze on the cage, hoping she would just walk away.  Finally my husband approached, asking me to come check out the filters.  I stood up and never looked back.

Feast Your Eyeballs on THIS!

My dear pal Curly is a woman of requests.  Last month she made me disclose the world’s worst candy.  Now she wants to take a peek inside my fridge.  I almost shudder to think what she’ll be asking of me next..  BUT since we’re pals..

myfridge

TAAA-DAAAAAHHH!  OoOoohhhhh..Isn’t he handsome.. YES he IS!  Before you get too jealous, though, I must confess.  This is not MY fridge.  No.  It belongs to my landlord.  But I pretend it’s mine.  PS: If you want to store the contents of your lunch in MY fridge, you must ask first.

Let’s take a look inside..

myfridge2

myfridge3

As you can see, my landlord has quite a nice fridge. My husband & I like to stock it with fresh local produce and less local, but still altogether terrific, alcohol.  Since we are no longer in West Philly, and I am no longer hosting a CSA on my front porch, we have now joined a new CSA here in Maine.  It is GREAT.  Except for the beets.  Which are beautiful, but taste like BEETS.  YIKES!  I just noticed that *Smiling Hill* milk on the bottom shelf is no longer blue.  What do I mean – BLUE milk?  WELL. Up here in Maine, they sell Blue Milk.  It’s called BLUEBERRY MILK!  and it is unbelievably delicious.  It normally looks like THIS (many thanks to Joe Shlabotnik):

blueberry_milk

And is a delightful purple-blue. But now that my blueberry milk has turned a pallid WHITE I am thinking that’s not too good.   From the photo, it also appears to be separating.  Oh my.  Note to self: remove blue white blueberry milk. PS: remember to turn head while pouring out.  PPS: Now that there is space; buy more wine.

Here is my landlord’s freezer.

fridge4

fridge5

YES, we do like ice cream!  In fact, we LOVE it!!  Except that spangly stars n’ stripes kind, which I can’t get my kids to eat.  They do like those frozen fish sticks, though.  YOU TOO??  Well.. I’ll ask, but I’m not sure they’ll share.  You can always come over for some stars n’ stripes ice cream, though.  Or a nice glass of milk.

mmmmilk

MMMMmmmmm-MMm.

See you soon!

Weekend with Mommy

My weekend in one word:

CHA-CHING!!!!!!!!!!

And in two:

CHA CHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you who are vision impaired, Saturday night I won $738.50 at the Borgata Casino Hotel & Spa on a slot machine. I will NOT tell you which one b/c it is now my secret luckiest winniest machine ever and MINE ALONE. Plus I do NOT want to encourage anyone in the folly that is gambling. Let’s face it folks, you are probably better off going into the bathroom, taking out your wallet and flushing it down the toilet than to try to WIN AT GAMBLING b/c it ain’t gonna happen. EXCEPT FOR ME!!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

What a magnificently crazy fun-filled weekend!! Today I am trying to get back into the swing of things, but frankly I’m really not feeling much inclined. And who can blame me? The prospect of laundry and chores, bleech. I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet, and I might not now b/c I AM RICH. I am ready to retire for good. Like my good friend Jim next door who has thrown in the towel after 36 glorious years. And I am not speaking of 36 years of WORK – Oh NO! He is 36 and has decided to retire. B/c THAT is West Philly living and I LOVE IT!

SO where was I?? Oh yes, the weekend was grand. Well to be honest it started out a little shitty, but what else could it be when a sewer line backs up into your basement? Ahhhhh. Nothing like the smell of poop in the morning. Or the afternoon. Cause that’s how long it took us to remedy THAT lil problem. And by US you know of course I mean my beloved husband, b/c he’s the one who had to touch the stuff. YUM-YUM. Here is a photo for your enjoyment:

Look at that hand. He joked that he was going to rinse it in gasoline, but I do not think he actually did. At least not while I was watching. He had to go to the Home Depot and rent a big giant snake. It is a tool for plunging out your sewer line and not the fanged animal of course, though that would have been preferable to the poo. So the weekend’s festivities got off to a bit of a late start, but you can see how Saturday night finished, so who cares. right? My husband is the BEST.

Sunday we took in the last day at the Philadelphia Flower Show. They were not being persnickety about which door you used either, much to my relief. Though of course you had to buy tickets which of course did not come cheap. But that’s o-kay b/c our weekend was ON THE BORGATA. So the flowers were fun, the swarming masses much less so. We ate lunch across the street at the Reading Terminal Market. We had cheesesteaks at Rick’s, which is still there, at least until the court date in June. I had not eaten at Rick’s for quite some time and realized why. No offense to Rick’s, but they are one of the few (if only) Philly cheesesteak joints that 1) don’t chop their meat, which I don’t care for, and 2) offer the “works” aka lettuce & tomato on the steaks. As a Philadelphian I have to say this is weird. I have eaten steaks all my life and have yet, until this weekend, to see hoagie fixins on one unless it’s a HOAGIE. Oh well. It was otherwise o-kay. And of course we had Bassett’s which rocks above all others. I had pumpkin AND peach on one cone and it was simply Heaven in an ice cream.

Yesterday we spent the day at Peddler’s Village in Lahaska. My parents used to live minutes from there in New Hope, and my mommy hadn’t been back since moving to Atlanta. Almost a year and a half ago. So we took the tour and tooled past her old pad. It was not looking too bad, but it just wasn’t the same. We spent the rest of the afternoon eating and playing games at Giggleberry Fair, the Peddler’s Village (slightly) less commercial equivalent of a Chuck E. Cheese. Since it was a Monday afternoon, it was D-E-A-D. My mom took the girls on the carousel and the older man who runs the thing let them stay on waaay longer than normal. I believe out of sheer boredom. It was great fun the first 5-10 minutes, but after that all three of them looked a bit queezy. My husband & I were both very glad to be watching from a bench. Afterward, we hit the outlets. My mommy bought the girls a HUGE bag full of stuff from the Children’s Place, they must have gotten like 5 outfits each. Everything was BEYOND CHEAP, like 99 cents, $2, $3. CRAZY. I think she spent $70 total on the whole lot of it. I really like the Children’s Place very cute & colorful clothing, but some of their stuff can lean distinctly towards trampville. Hoochie mama gear on women is mildly entertaining; on a 4 year old it is criminal.

My mommy also bought me the rockingest pair of shoes. They look like granny shoes, here I am wearing them:

YES they ARE COOL. They will look better w/out my fuzzy polka dot socks, but they still look great even with them. WOW. I love these shoes. I used to have a pair like this back in the early 90s (that’s 1990s NOT 1890s, though they probably looked just like this back then too). My friend Daffy just bought a similar pair. Yay! Okay now all you crazy salivating foot and shoe fetishists can MOVE ON.

SO I had been thinking of buying a sewing machine with my remaining Borgata winnings, but when we went to JoAnn Fabrics yesterday to check out the machines all they sold were Vikings. I’d read great things about Brother machines; not only are they inexpensive but they are supposed to be FABULOUS. So I passed on the $400 unknown Viking. I am going to continue researching. or maybe I will stumble into one at a thrift shoppe for an irresistible LOW LOW price and go for it. I am lucky, you know. But now that my mommy has once again returned south, the whole idea seems less pressing. Or maybe just less fun.

My mommy left at the crack of dawn this morn, leaving behind the faint scent of her perfume and the familiar dull ache which has returned once more to my heart. I know that there are people out there who have awful mommies. and I feel so badly for them. BUT I do not exaggerate when I say that my mommy is simply THE BEST MOMMY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. Unfortunately for us, she is also a successful executive who now lives 800 miles away in ATLANTA. SO unlike yours truly, she can’t just hang out in West Philly for all eternity not brushing her teeth. Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond proud of my mom. To me as well as the rest of the world she is a certifiable SUCCESS in every way. And being a success is a good thing. But being on the receiving end of success sometimes truly sucks. I miss her. I wish she didn’t have to work so hard for people who don’t really care about her. My daughters sob when she leaves. And so do I.. Which is better?

All-in-all, this weekend of fun with my mommy has reminded me of several things. Poop smells. Gambling does not pay unless YOU WIN. And I would rather be with my family and have less money, than be rich & successful apart from them. YES money can be great, especially when you are poor. But it cannot buy you happiness. A lesson that Eliot Spitzer should have learned, but. unfortunately some never do.

Back to normal.

Thanks to that post about creative, thoughtful & CHEAP Valentine’s ideas I wrote weeks ago, my blog stats have shot through the roof. I went from an average of several dozen hits a day to over 200 – or more. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Novelty is a good thing, and it’s enjoyable being flavor of the month while it lasts. It was fun knowing so many new people were reading my blog, enjoying it, getting ideas of their own and generally admiring me in my infinite generosity. But I have to say, now that the holiday’s over, I find myself feeling slightly relieved. Like life’s getting back to normal. My blog is once again my own. I do find it strange that people are STILL googling “Valentine’s Ideas.” Since I thought Valentine’s Day was over. Like 5 days ago. But perhaps they are trying to find me still. The Daily Dish.

ANYWAY, now that the stats have returned to normal, I’m taking the time to thank you, my loyal readers, for your steadfast devotion to yours truly. The V-Day revelers have (mostly) fallen by the wayside, and it’s just US. You & me. Amigos. Compadres. Like when the relatives leave after Christmas. FINALLY you can get back to doing whatever it is you like to do best. No more having to smile all the time, watch your tongue and hold in your gut. Go ahead – scratch that itch w/out fear of reprisal. And who the heck likes backhanded compliments and none-too-subtle criticisms of your parenting style and binge drinking? Not ME! that’s for sure. Ahhh, back to comfy living and letting it ALL hang out. Eating on the couch, watching the tube, passing gas in public. NOT that I don’t excuse myself, B/c of course I do! But when you’re back to normal, so to speak, you just don’t feel constrained. We’re FAMILY after all, in the best sense. I know you already love me just for being *ME*. There’s no need to impress.

AHhhhhhhhhh. Feels so good to let it all out finally. I can just sit here in front of the computer, belt undone, pants unzipped, flab running rampant. WHAT! NO, I am NOT doing THAT! Some people’s minds…. You know, you’re lucky we’re family because otherwise I might get mad. But I just can’t! You’re so cute, you big lug! C’mere, let me plant one on ya!!! SMMMMMMMMMWACK! Gotcha!!!!